Even though I may not feel beautiful, I AM and…It’s the truth!
coming from a culture where beauty is defined by the outside, by what you wear, what you can do and how you can grab attention. I am finding that as God strips me of all that I was once defined by, I’m truly living and its painful. I’m living in the truth and I’m letting Him define me. I battle this daily and I think what God is teaching is that I need to find all worth, all my beauty in HIM.
Sometimes I don’t want to be around people or be honest, cause I just don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want to admit that I may still have insecurities, that I compare myself to others and that I care about the outside more than the inside. I desperately want to be at a place where I don’t care about the external. I feel like I can’t escape it, and sometimes it just is too much. I don’t want to think that if I was thinner that I would be happier. I want to know that my soul is what defines me.
I hear the words, you’re beautiful but I believe it when I look in the mirror and I’m satisfied, not if I look at my soul. I know God looks at my heart, but I’m still looking on the outside. I find all my imperfections too quickly and find my validation in what others say about me too much. This year is such a stretch for me because God has pulled me away from all that I can find my satisfaction in Him, so I can give Him my full attention. I have struggled with an unhealthy obsession over my physical appearance and it manifested itself into an eating disorder. I now have the choice to give it all to the Lord and know He’s faithful to be all that I need. I get the opportunity to focus on my soul for the first time in a long time, instead of perfecting my appearance.
What i really want to say is that basically I have found my worth and value in what I can do and what I look like all my life. God is showing me that my worth and value is in what He says about me. Im realizing that it doesn’t just happen, that I don’t just wake up and life is easy. I’m seeing that its a process, and its a journey of deeper freedom. Its a breaking of lies that I’ve believed, beliefs about what true beauty is and choosing God’s truth!
Even as I write this, I’m struggling with putting into words what have only been in my thoughts. I’m letting go of the expectations I think people have that are reading this. I’m a missionary, but I am still figuring out what my mission is. I know that as I bring things into the Light, that more freedom comes. I’m so hungry for freedom and peace! I don’t want to walk down the street and have to look in the window at my appearance and be validated, or go to the mirror multiple times in the day. I don’t want to wait for someone to compliment me before I feel beautiful. I don’t want to hope that I can somehow gain approval by superficial means. I want to see myself the way God sees me everyday.
Tonight I got vulnerable and told my team that I was struggling with feeling uncomfortable with where I was and where God wants me to be, like I’m holding onto each with too little faith there’s actually a bridge underneath to walk on. I want to be all God has created me to be but not knowing how to get there. Also that I still struggle with being the center of attention and being affirmed. That I still want it to be about me, and not about Him. That I need prayer and that I can’t do this alone. That was such a major deal for me because I still feel like I have to be perfect and prove that I’ve arrived in any area. I think I focus so much on where I need to be than focus on who God is.
The enemy is scared and is trying to use as much as possible to distract me from growing close to HIM. I know that as I bring stuff out into the light and I’m vulnerable, that I get more free. I know that God is challenging me to trust Him in ways that I haven’t yet. I am going to be uncomfortable, challenged, confused at times and unsure of where to go next. I’m realizing there is a huge difference between what I want for my life and what I know. I know so little and its really okay because God has his way whether I like it or not, but I don’t want to fight this process!
Today I’ve realized again that what I’m committing to will take work and God is not going to let me off easy or let me take the low road. I gotta take the high road for the generations to come and for the heritage I’m receiving. I can’t be a lame, lazy, pitiful case of a Christian. I’m Birkleigh, God’s beloved and He has a destiny for me that’s not shaken by the things of the world. I know I’m not living a life of Sin, and that I’m not serving on the enemies side, but I’m also not living all the way God wants me to live everyday. I will press on for the prize cause….
I am Beautiful Birkleigh and Jesus validates me everyday in every way!
The end..
