I don’t think it has fully hit me that I leave America in 12 days, and that I won’t be seeing my beautiful family, friends, and city for 11 months.
The reality checks keep coming in little waves. I’m sure the tsunami will hit July 4th when I actually leave NYC.
Last night, a pretty strong wave came. I was lying in bed, and I just started crying. Thinking about all the people, and things I will have to say goodbye to for 11 months. No more hearing my mom saying ” Who forgot to close the refrigerator door again? ” in her cute accent.. no more hearing my dad asking “What’s the mileage on the car? Time for an oil change yet?”. I won’t be able to hear my bro strumming on his guitar, while I’m trying to fall asleep! Funny how things that can be annoying become soothing, when put into the perspective of “I won’t hear this for 11 months”! Needless to say, the tears were streaming.. I was like “God, do I really have to go?”
And the strangest, but this is how I know God is real, thing happened. I all of a sudden felt this incredible PEACE. I can’t explain it.. As the tears were streaming down my face, it was if Jesus was holding me in His arms and saying “Everything is going to be o.k… I am with you.”
I often tell God “Take my life..it’s yours.” And for those of you who truly know me, you know that I am an ALL or NOTHING person. It’s hard for me to be half into something. It’s written all over my face. If I LOVE something, you will know., and if i HATE it.. umm.. you will know too.. And because my Maker knows how I work.. He is teaching me that same way. Either He takes away ALL of my false securities or NONE.. and because I have given Him the “go ahead”, He is doing just that.
I have no “guy” to protect me out there on the race. I have no “mom” to go whine to and complain to out there. God is taking the training wheels off, and sending me down the steepest trail…and how awesome that it is also the safest and best trail for me.
He’s the security that I need to continue to find my safety in… He’s the only One that I find my value and worth in. So if all my crutches and safety nets gets taken away.. still I have Him.. and still I have it all.
It’s about Him taking my life, and getting all the credit for how it unfolds. But how can He get all the credit, unless He is all I have? And more than anything or anyone in my life.. My heart longs to be a vehicle of God’s Truth and Love in a world so full of darkness and hate.
He’s shown me the cost…and I’m willing to sell all the junk… in order to buy into this treasure…
“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal. Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” Matthew 6:19-21
Agenda: Love,
Betshsaida
