*Just so my supporters know, I wrote this blog a few days ago, and I am physically and emotionally feeling much, much better, but wanted to share it regardless. Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers!*
Hey red, white, and blue…I think Y squad is starting to miss you a little bit.
Month four is already halfway over. Truth be told, the honeymoon is over and everyone is getting glimpses of how difficult being away from home and outside of the USA for 330 days might end up being.
Across the board, Y squad is beginning to really get into the nitty gritty reality of what it means to live in developing nations on a small budget for a year.
Over and over again for the past few weeks I have heard it thrown into numerous conversations.
“I think I am just starting to really feel homesick.”
Lima, Peru is beautiful!
At the start of my time as a squad leader, I didn’t have a hint of homesickness. I was confident in what I was doing and why I was doing it, feeling no real need to miss home since this time is only for 5 short months and I knew the Lord would provide abundantly the energy and wisdom I needed to get through it.
And while I still trust that God provides amply what I need to accomplish my purpose, in the past few weeks I have had an increase in those moments where I just feel physically and emotionally…tired.
Overwhelmed at the volume of relational conflicts and communication difficulties that come at Sam and I to handle in any given day, with little to no time or place to personally process things.
Doubting that I am a decent squad leader when someone’s feelings appear hurt after a tough conversation, or they seem to be holding something back that really needs to be said and worked through.
Sick of packing up all of my stuff and taking another 10-16 hour (or longer) bus ride every few days, all the while just hoping that my presence is actually going to have a positive impact on the teams I am traveling to.
Missing my bed at home…you know, the one that I don’t have to blow up every few days to lay it on a dusty concrete floor while trying to ignore how dirty my sleeping bag undoubtedly is.
When I haven’t been battling nausea, which has been a frequent occurence for the past several weeks, I have dreamed of eating the safe and comforting and delicious foods of home. Gooey grilled cheese dipped in homemade tomato basil soup, made from scratch apple pie with home-churned vanilla bean ice cream, and even just a bowl of Kashi cereal with cold coconut almond milk, versus stale corn flakes with warm whole milk.
~Pinterest~
Drooling over the prospect of having all the time in the world to sit in my room to pray and worship and journal, finally untangling some of the complicated moments that will certainly still be stuck inside my head from the 5 months of trying to lead 45 people on this messy and beautiful journey.
Dreaming…
…of sitting on the porches of some of my best friends, having a cold summer beer and listening to Mumford and Sons.
…of laying on the floor beside my 18 month old nephew, laughing at any and every thing he does, and catching up with my sister-in-law and brother while grilling burgers and bratwursts.
…of hugging my mom in the airport, laughing with my sister over everything, grabbing Japanese food with my dad and his wife, calling my grandparents and grinning from ear to ear when my Papaw exclaims “HEY sweetheart!”
I’m just good old fashioned homesick.
Zac Brown Band with the siblings last summer.
I find myself so frustrated in these moments, moments where I can separate my head and my heart just long enough to try and talk some sense into myself, but can’t fully talk myself out of those feelings.
I can logically recognize that 7 weeks until home is practically no time at all, and most of the time I love the uniqueness, adventure, growth, and challenge that this squad leading thing brings.
But when you are up late having a really tough heart-to-heart with someone, and then wake up in the middle of the night doubled over with gut pains, and then can’t seem to get comfortable no matter how you lay on a hard surface in a room that is 25 degrees…well, even Jesus Himself would probably have been fighting tears and wishing Mary could jut come give Him some watered-down Gatorade and a back rub.
So I actually have no shame in admitting that I have had moments of missing home lately. It’s ok to not be ok at all times, and I have realized I need to give myself the grace to feel what I need to feel so that I can healthfully get back up and move on whole-heartedly.
But you know what else?
I feel very close to Jesus lately. He knows I have thrown a couple of pity parties in the especially homesick (and physically sick) moments, but there is no way He is going to let those moments stop me from staying present and invested in what I am committed to doing my absolute best at. And even better, there is a huge dose of humility and life perspective He is teaching me through the woe-is-me moments.
My papaw and I. We share our birthday! He gets up every day at 4:30am to pray for me.
Back in month 1, I had a conversation with a few of my squad mates surrounding the book Tortured for Christ. I haven’t personally read this one but have read similar tales of people who are willing to have truly gruesome things done to their bodies, or even their loved ones, in moments where their faith is on the line.
The conversation ended with us all looking at each other, shaking our heads at the gritty faith of those people, and reminding each other that pretty much no matter what happens to us in the mission field this year, we really can’t complain.
Physical and emotional difficulties are a given, an honor even, when you are following Christ into the developing world to share His love with those who live with such conditions every single day of their lives.
So here is the deal. God trusted me with this task.
He knew I would get homesick and overwhelmed at times, and that it wouldn’t be nearly as much laughing and playing as it was when I was an actual Racer.
He also knew there would be days that were too good to be true, full of hilarious conversations and uncharted adventures and deepening friendships.
And He knows that He will continue to faithfully lead and care for Y squad, blessing me to be a steward of His faithfulness towards them for this time.
So for the remaining 7 weeks of squad leading, I will rise above my circumstances when they try to bring me down, and cheerfully go full-throttle through the final moments of this incredibly memorable season that God has blessed me with.
Prayers are always appreciated, as we have only two weeks until our next debrief, when we begin the process of training the new squad leaders who will take our place!
Valle de Luna, La Paz, Bolivia with some of Y squad.
