For the first time in my life, I am praying prayers that really scare me.
You know that expression: “Careful what you wish for!”?
Well this is totally applying to my life on the WR right now.
I came on the WR being told at training camp that I would be broken, that I would know God in a totally different way, that I would see levels of faith that are so huge and outside of my “God box” that I wouldn’t even know how to respond.
But coming into month 2, I am realizing that, for the most part, those things are not going to happen by accident. The WR is one seriously crazy, random, scary, fun, lonely, exciting year, no doubt about it. The real potential behind it, though, is how much each person is WILLING to open themselves up to God and to being changed.
If you aren’t extremely careful, mental and physical exhaustion can claim you for the entire 11 months. Living in third world countries is hard and frustrating in ways you can’t even anticipate. Traveling with an enormous pack for days on end every 28 days or so is EXHAUSTING. Embracing the challenge of living in community is SO much easier said than done. Saying tearful goodbyes over people you truly come to love at the end of the month for 11 months in a row will drain you.
Between all of these scenarios, it can be very tempting to put your spiritual growth aside and assume it will just happen. Just do a little Bible-reading and praying ever day, and worship with your squad whenever you can, and you will be change a little bit at least.
OR. You can be intentional.
I was surprised when I got to Honduras how drained I felt. I didn’t start the month off on a great foot, battling a stomach virus (complete with aching, fever, and night sweats), but was still putting pressure on myself to spend time with the squad mates that I don’t know as well yet.
Any time I am physically ill is when I feel the most sad and like home is a million miles away…its when I find myself craving the hugs of family, my favorite comfort food, and my own room more than ever. Combine all of this with trying to adjust to living in my tent among 44 other people (our whole squad is together this month), where silence and solitude are virtually impossible to find, and I was convinced that I was doomed to be miserable for…well, LIFE, or so it felt.
And then I thought back to El Salvador, month 1. The place where our living conditions (aside from the lack of air conditioning) were luxurious (by WR standards) and silence seemed to fill the house more often than not. God reminded me of sitting at the table in the backyard, surrounded by tropical fruit trees, and desperately BEGGING Him to change me, break me, build me, grow me into the woman He knows I can be. I felt too comfortable and unchallenged at the time, and wanted something that would push me. Having just been so impacted by Kisses from Katie, I was literally in TEARS as I prayed sometimes, I so badly wanted to be changed for the better through this journey.
“Please God, I don’t know how or where or what exactly, but please break me down, all the way to the core, and rebuild me and shape me for You this year. Please make me truly humble and truly compassionate, not hardened by what I see. Don’t let me be absorbed in my own discomfort, or fail to recognize the impact my life could have on eternity, if I would just let it….” etc, etc, etc.
But even as I prayed, I was a little bit scared. Like there was a little voice in the back of my head that was saying “just don’t let it be TOO hard…” Like when you sign up to sing karaoke, and even though you love the song and you know your friends will cheer you on and it will be something to laugh at for years to come, you still secretly kind of hope that the DJ will pull the plug on the karaoke machine JUST before your turn.
Well God sure didn’t waste any time. Immediately upon arriving here I could sense that I was about to begin to get what I had asked for. I guess I can’t say for sure, but I think that throughout this year God is going to break down barriers that I don’t even know I have, and it will often take time to realize that is what He was doing.
Because He loves me and wants me to grow, He very quickly helped me to realize that this rough start was just a part of the growth I had prayed for…hard or not, it was necessary and beneficial. And my mindset immediately began to change to one of gratitude and peace, rather than sadness and self-pity. He quickly healed my body, and with a focus on letting Him be in control, I begin to embrace each day again.
As with everything in life, you usually aren’t going to have something you are passionate about without a lot of self-discipline and a somewhat long-term mindset. My WR is no different, and I now realize that I have two options: I can float through the year, and get home with a lot of cool stories and even more sad stories. Or I can recognize how much God wants me to be close to Him each day and see how and where to be shaped by Him.
If you haven’t prayed for something that kind of scares you lately, try it. Whatever it is…something with your career or love life or family or anything else…just talk to God about it and why you want it and ask Him to help you to see it from His perspective. It could be the beginning of a huge turning point in your life.
