My head and my heart are at war.
Here’s what my head knows:
- The next 87 days are going to fly by.
- I am going to miss this community, this lifestyle, when it is over.
- I am so fortunate to be here and to have even had this opportunity at all.
- I should be so thankful. Things could be so much worse.
- God has so much more in store for me in the last 3 months of the Race.
- I don’t want to miss a single moment of the precious time we have left. I want to finish strong. I want to live a good ending to the story.
But my heart just can’t quite get on board lately.
- I’m tired. I’m physically, emotionally and spiritually drained.
- It’s been 242 days since I’ve been alone, slept in my own bed, hugged my mom, ate my favorite foods or had a conversation face-to-face with my boyfriend.
- I want to go home. I miss Fall and football and chocolate and carpet.
- I don’t even remember what silence is anymore. Africa is SO loud. There is always music or something blaring. There are at least 18 people living in this house. There is nowhere quiet to go, ever.
- I’m annoyed that my feet are always dirty and my nose is always running, that people are always staring at me and ripping me off and that even the simplest errands can take hours.
- And this one may be worst of all; the big ‘ol fat lie from the enemy I can’t help believing sometiems: I’m not even making a difference here. Yeah I may preach once or twice this month and I’ll hug lots of little kids and probably pray for some sick people, but what good is that doing, really? I try to trust God that He is using me however HE sees fit, but I can easily get discouraged thinking about how little I’ve actually accomplished this year. I feel like we’ve planted a lot of seeds but seen little fruit.
About the only thing that encourages me lately is the “countdown.” Fifteen more days here and then we’re headed to the beach for a few days. And then it’s Nepal and I’ve been looking forward to that all race and at least it’s back to Asia. And then by India it’ll be time to go home and surely by then I’ll be feeling sentimental and not wanting to just race through it to get home. Eighty-seven more days. That number looms in my mind, urging me on through every cruddy situation I find myself in throughout the day.
Even writing that out makes me feel rotten though, because I DON’T want to just be on cruise-control for three months and not give my best effort.
I was so refreshed and encouraged at debrief and confident that I was going to finish strong and reminded that how I finish this season will affect how I enter the next season. And yet, now that I’m back out here I find myself feeling frustrated and discouraged for feeling frustrated and discouraged.
I’ve been working on this blog for a few days, hoping that all the venting would make me realize how ridiculous and ungrateful I am being, and bring about some big epiphany that would totally transform my heart and my attitude. And for several days, amid the pickpocketing and demon possession and hospitalization and everything else our team has faced this week, it hasn’t. I still felt this feeling of being defeated that I’ve rarely experienced in my life, that I’m not quite capable of summoning the energy required.
But then I read this verse this morning.
My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
It’s okay that I am weak. It’s okay that I am broken. It’s okay that I feel as if I can’t go on. Because now, Christ can be strong FOR me.
Maybe I’ve been running too much of this Race relying on my own strength. One of my longtime favorite verses is Philippians 4:13: I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
But was I actually letting Him give me strength? Or was I trying to do it all on my own?
“We were crushed and overwhelmed beyond our ability to endure, and we thought we would never live through it…But as a result, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God.”
2 Corinthians 1:8-9
So that’s my new game plan I suppose. Acknowledge that it is not through my own strength that I can finish the Race, but only through Jesus working in me. For when I am weak, He is strong. I must stop relying on myself and learn to rely only on God.
Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
Thanks for all the support and encouragement of my friends and family. Please keep the prayers and comments and emails and what not coming. They mean so much to me!
