I did it again.
I said ‘never’.
Actually, I wrote it, typed it, then posted it permanently into the abyss we call the internet. It seems as though the enemy stumbled upon my last blog and grabbed hold of that word as he whispered,
“Are you sure you’ve never questioned God’s existence? What makes you think He is real and alive? You’ve had countless questions about Him, countless conversations on the theories of evolution and the theology of other religions. I know you’ve questioned your beliefs. You’ve wondered how the story of Jesus and the miracles could possibly be true? You’re believing in a fantasy, a fairytale. You call yourself a follower? Do true followers of Jesus doubt his creator? Do believers doubt if they chose the right path? They don’t.”
There they were again. Doubts flooding my mind and thoughts. Shame overcame me as I went to God and prayed, “Father, I’m sorry. How can I go on this Race, this journey with you when I can’t even keep doubts out of my mind. How can I go proclaim your truth when I’m not 100% positive that I even believe it at all? Where did these doubts come from? Can you take them away because I feel nothing but guilty and indignant, too disgraceful to even seek your presence.”
I went days with this shame, days asking God to speak to my heart and days questioning if the World Race was something to continue pursuing. Then one Sunday afternoon I was sitting in my car and He so eloquently asked me, “Why are you being so hard on yourself? You’re doubts are only questions I am faithful to answer.”
I would love to say all my doubts were wiped away at that very moment of hearing Him speak to me. They weren’t. It wasn’t until two weeks later when I met a few new friends and previous racers that my doubts vanished. After spending 2 days with these new friends, one girl named Kelsey asked to pray over me and my upcoming journey. As she began to pray I silently pleaded with God to allow me to receive these prayers because I am still unsure and am so fearful I will miss what He has in store for me on this race. As soon as everyone stopped praying, Kelsey said, “God just gave me a word for you. He wants you to know that you aren’t going to miss it. That you have a face of flint and a heart of clay and that will be used to lead the people you come into contact with. He really wants you to know that you do have a ‘face of flint’.”
Faithful to His word, God answered my question. My face of flint represents someone who stands firm with determination and strength. He knows my heart is standing firm upon His word, ready to be molded by His hands. Do I believe in God and His fairytale? Absolutely, for He told me I did.
Now, I have two more days. That’s all. Only two more days until I leave my life of comfort and predictability. Only two days until I have to feel the emotions of sadness and abandonment. Only two days left to hold and kiss my nieces and nephew. Two days until I am no longer able to text my parents or call my sister at any time of day. Two more days until my life is drastically changed.
“Aren’t you scared and nervous?”
“What you’re doing isn’t safe. You could die.”
“Are you ready to go?”
“Don’t you know what’s happening to people in the areas you’ll be going?”
All of the above questions and statements have been spoken to me numerous times over this last month. I get the ‘mom stare’ from most people after my answers, and have had a few unkind remarks of my choice to go.
Yet, my answer remains the same, “I know, and I’m ready.”
I believe that Jesus Christ was sent from our Father in Heaven to be crucified so that we may have eternal life with Him. That each person of every tribe, tongue, and nation is worthy of this salvation. That every person is deeply loved by Father and He wants nothing more than for them to know Him. That we are not called to live on the shores of safety and comfort but rather a life that follows Jesus to adventurous depths.
I read once that a belief, no matter how sincere, that is not reflected in reality is no longer a belief, it’s merely a delusion. Therefore, I am going. I refuse to live a life of delusion, but yearn for a life which lives out my steadfast beliefs.
Now, I have two more days. That’s all. Only two more days until I begin my kingdom journey. Only two days until I jump into the emotions of excitement and joy over meeting my squad. Only two days until I abandon comfort for adventure. Two days until I feel the end of my restlessness. Two more days until I step into the beginning of the life I was created for.
By His Grace and For His Glory,
Bethany
P.S. I am FULLY FUNDED!! God continues to prove His faithfulness in countless ways and to be fully funded in 3 months and before leaving is something only He can do. Thank you everyone for supporting me, encouraging me, loving me, and helping me through this process of fundraising! I am so grateful for each of you.
P.S.S. God is relentless is His pursuit for each of us. Just as He placed this song randomly on my phone yesterday as a reminder of His pursuit for me, He desires for each of you to know you are loved and adored by Him.
