I have found that it is impossible to go on the World Race and stay hidden behind your plastic smile and ‘Everything’s fine’ excuses. I have realized just how easy it is for my whole world to be shaken up and how hard it is to actually trust God in the midst of it. Some people may think that we are some super-spiritual Christian freaks because we left home and gave up a year to serve the Lord around the world. But the truth is that we are just a bunch of weak and broken people. We have to make the same decision everyday to trust God and it is not always easy. Many people come on this Race thinking that it will fix them or that God will prove himself to them because of their sacrifice, but it all comes back to the choice we make in our heart to trust him. What makes a difference and transformation is our willingness to be completely shaken, messed up, tossed around until our only hope and our only foundation is in Christ.
There was a point this month when God truly shook everything that could be shaken in me and in my identity. I thought that I had finished dealing with identity issues, but there were still parts of me that felt incapable, insignificant and inadequate. God revealed so much to me about myself and about him and completely broke me.
And then he tested me.
Last Saturday, we traveled to a different city to attend a worship event at a Hungarian church. First of all, it lasted from 4pm until 8pm and people of ALL ages were standing, dancing and worshipping the whole time. I could only imagine how that would play out back home. At the beginning because it was all in Hungarian, I was having a hard time getting involved even though I could feel the Spirit in that place. Little did I know that God had orchestrated an awesome encounter just for me. So I tried my best to sing along when they played a song I knew in English but mostly listened.
I walked to the back of the room to put my Bible in my bag when a woman stopped me. The woman’s name was Wilma and she was born a dwarf and couldn’t walk very well. She seemed very excited but couldn’t speak any English so she grabbed her friend to translate. She went on to ask me if I had a message for her because God told her that I have something to share with her. I was shocked and completely clueless on what to tell her. So I told her that I would go and pray and ask the Lord what he wanted to say to her. She gave me hug and held onto me so tightly when I began to tear up a little. In that moment, I cried out to the Lord, “What am I supposed to do? I don’t feel a thing or any kind of pressing word to give her!” And instantly, my spirit shook and I heard my Father so clearly. All he said was, “Heal her.” I freaked out for a moment and left Wilma so I could pray again and ask God what he really wanted me to tell her.
I sat down and took out a pen to write something, anything down. But I could not deny my spirit and what the Lord had already said to me. Feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure flooded into me, but I knew that I had to obey. I knew that I had to believe that God was big enough to do this. So even though my heart pounded, I said ‘OK.’ And I walked back to Wilma and told her that God wants me to pray for her for healing. She was surprised but excited and ready to receive whatever I could give her.
I put my hands on her head and before I could even get one word out, I just began weeping. I don’t think I can explain in words all that was going on in my spirit but I could not stop crying and it was such a deep cry from the core of my being. She was crying too. I cried over her for several minutes until I could finally speak. I didn’t say very many intelligible words but mostly cried and prayed in the spirit. I had NEVER felt anything like this before; everything inside of me was being poured out. After a while when I was able to stop crying, I asked Wilma if she felt anything in her chest.
She started to tell me that she literally felt a transfer from my hand into her body. She said it started in her head and went into her chest. She said her heart was hardened with anger and bitterness but it was completely lifted and gone. She felt free from emotions that had tormented her. She was not healed in the way I expected or anticipated but she was healed in what matters most to God, in her heart. And I had no control over the situation at all; it was as if I was truly an empty vessel and God used me. God took my obedience and did what he pleased, in the way he chose to do it and he was glorified.
From left to right: Agnes (translated), Wilma, Me
Wilma went on to tell me that I had a gift of healing and that God would use me greatly. She told me not to be afraid and not to question Him but to listen to the Spirit every second of every day so that I don’t miss any opportunity. She called out every fear I had in my heart and encouraged my spirit with truth. She gave me another hug and we could not let go! We probably hugged longer than we prayed and I felt such a love and bond with a stranger, but a sister in Christ. We couldn’t even communicate but God had united our hearts together.
And so I believe by God’s grace I passed the test named Wilma. I hope there is another test with a name on it. And I hope that I choose to obey my Father again over my fear so that I don’t miss anything and that ultimately, he is glorified.
