Here is an example of what I mean. The speaker told a story that made it so clear to me. He referenced Sampson and his mother; how his mother dedicated him to God and left him at the Temple and how every year she would bring him a new coat. He went on to interperet that his mother probably brought him a coat that was always bigger than he was because he wouldn’t get another coat for a whole year. His point behind it was that Sampson had to grow into his coat. If his mother brought him a coat that fit him in that moment, it would no longer fit as he grew more throughout the year. The spiritual connection was about change. It was about how God is giving us a new bigger coat that may feel uncomfortable and awkward but the intent behind it is that we would grow into it. In the moment when God is taking off our too small coat and giving us a bigger coat, is when we feel most vulnerable. It is that scary point of letting go of what doesn’t fit anymore and putting on something that still doesn’t fit just right yet. I realized that I do not want to be in a coat that is too small for me, but I also don’t want to stay in the same size coat. This imagery has given me such peace about change and about letting God transform me. Whatever that may look like. He is so good to me and has never led me astray. At one point, Pastor Michael asked, “Are you willing to let God change you and your personality so that when this is over you will look completely different?” At first, I cringed inside and defensively thought, “I don’t need to change my personality, it is unique to me. And God made my personality, it’s who I am. I am still Bethany.” Instantly after this thought, I felt in my spirit God say, “But you were made in my image. And you are to look like me. And have my personality. You have died to yourself to have Christ live in you. Do you want to look more like Bethany or Christ?” It was powerful. I do believe God has made me unique and has specific plans that only I can accomplish for his Kingdom, but he also created me to look like him and reflect him. That is an intense revelation.
And the last thing I need to blog about is another important thing God has been teaching me. He’s taught me about offense. And being offendable. I am very easily offendable and I have made many mistakes because of that, especially recently. Pastor Michael was speaking again about how we go public with our issues when we are offended and choosing not to forgive. I know that my last few weeks in Tucson, because I was offendable and chose not to forgive, I spread bitterness and hardness that was totally not of the kingdom of God nor belonging among his people. I was immediately convicted and need to ask for forgiveness from those of you who I spoke words of anger and frustration to and want you to know that I am not excusing my words or my actions, but am admitting that I was offendable and I did chose life. Please know that I am not beating myself up about it, I am living and resting in God’s infinite mercy and grace but need to take this step in order to move on. I want more than anything for Tucson to experience the type of community that I am experiencing here and I am continually praying for it. A community of freedom and love. A community without offense but healthy communication and reliance on God. A community with feedback and growth that gives absolutely no foothold for the devil. Once you live in that kind of community, you can’t go back.
Thank you so much for all your prayers and all your love. I could not do any of this without the faithful prayers of God’s people. His provision, in every aspect of the word, has been incredible and hasn’t stopped to amaze me. I love you and will continue to update you as much as I can.
God Bless!
