After being away from the "norm" and all the comforts that living in the United States brings for 11 months, I'll be the first to tell you…….. I'm different now. I've been traveling from country to country each month with all my belongings on my back, I've lived in community 24/7 with teammates who are much different than I am, I've seen and encountered God on insane new levels, but also sat in the pit of my brokenness and cried out to God wondering why he wasn't speaking to me.
It's inevitable. I AM different. My biggest fear coming onto the race was that I'd go through this entire process and not feel different when I came home. I didn't want to give up an entire year of my life and invest all that I had in it, and not experience that radical change that I so desperately wanted. I wanted to be a woman that desired God's heart like He desires mine.
I'll tell you that I'm far from the 'ideal' version of myself I've always dreamed of even after a year of soul searching….. BUT the truth is….. I'm coming home soon. (6 weeks to be exact) I'm coming back to America where life as you know it is no longer life as I know it. It's no longer going to be comfortable. In fact, it's going to be really overwhelming. I'm coming back to a place that probably hasn't changed as much as I have. I'm coming back to a place after 11 months that will be VERY different than the life I've been living. As excited as I am to come back to you all, I'm terrified for my emotions, BUT trusting that God is going to ease me through the entire process.
For my friends and family, please take this seriously. I'm writing this so you can pray and process with me, and help me make my transtition process easier. When we meet again, and exchange the hugs I've been longing for, heres what you need to know…….. Heres how I've changed…… Heres how I'm different.
I'm an Introvert: Who was once an extreme extrovert, is now a solid introvert. Being around people and being the center of attention used to energize me, now staying in the background and enjoying time to myself energizes me. While I love to still be around people and invest in others lives, I do it differently, and I cherish alone time. If I'm off by myself or tuning out for awhile, I'm not upset…. I'm now a natural introvert that tends to find time to tune the world out on a daily basis.
I'm not a spaz: Yes, I can still have moments that perhaps will counter act what I just said, but I'm absolutely 100% more laid back and "go with the flow" than I was 11 months ago. Being around high strung and controlling people is overwhelming for me. 11 months ago I would have chimed in during an intense opinionated conversation (because heaven forbid I was NEVER wrong) but now I'll most likely just sit back or remove myself from the situation.
I've been healed: I've been healed, and I'm still healing. I don't walk in the past and who I once was anymore. My past, and the trials I have faced is no longer an excuse for my actions or behaviors. I'm in charge of who I am and the ways I show myself to the world. The past is the past and I don't chose to walk there anymore.
I'm a better friend: I won't always have the answers, in fact……. I never will. But I know someone who does……..God. If you are a friend who belongs to the body of Christ or not, I'll always point you to Jesus before I give my unprofessional but friendly advice. I'll never turn my faith off and on anymore depending on the crowd I'm around. That's not fair to the ones who still don't know Jesus and thats certainly not fair to the God who continues to make me knew everyday. I promise to listen and ask questions more than I talk. I'll invest in your life and find ways to challenge you, and please do the same for me. I'll point you closer to Christ….. Not because I have it all together, because I DON'T have it all together, but I know the one who does.
I'm a sinner: It might be easy to assume that after spending a year over seas in the name of Jesus, that I've been on a spiritual high that has 'perfected' who I am. This sounds so silly to me! I'm NOT perfect. I'm no where near it. In fact, this experience has absolutely wrecked me. Starting this journey I signed up for an experience that would break me down and strip me down to absolutely nothing. I've had moments and even weeks and months on this journey that I've felt completely hopeless, depressed, and broken. I felt like I was nothing. Now, with the power and the love of Christ, The Lord has been able to break me down so much, that I can ONLY build myself up again through only Him. I'm still a sinner, I always will be. But now I walk with the one true King and now I'm free.
I'm a woman: I'm not a codependent girl anymore. I'm a woman who walks in my identity and is confident in who I am. Everyday? no…. remember, I'm still a sinner. BUT, I've truly enjoyed stepping into the woman of God that my creator has created me to be. I've been battling this for the entire race, and I'm sure it will continue, but Its been a journey worth fighting for! I've loved seeking God's word while he reveals the TRUTH of what a woman who follows him looks like. It's not what society tells us…. but it's beautiful, and I've loved walking in it! I'm a woman of God because HE made me, not because of the things I do.
I'm still me: I'm still the Bethany ya'll used to know, just refined a little bit. (Yes, I DO say ya'll now without even thinking about it) I still have choice words in certain situations, I still give attitude when its necessary, I still crack inappropriate jokes, and act on my rebellious spirit. I still have more passion for my own good and desire to spark change that will turn this world upside down. I still love to go on spontaneous adventures and laugh until it hurts. I usually still love more than others may love me…. but when I love…. I love hard. I'm still ME…… actually, I'm FINALLY me……… The me that God always destined for me to be.
