It's not goodbye, it's see you later. I find myself saying this a lot to consciously make myself feel better in the moment. I'm terrible at goodbyes. I hate them…. more than anything.
It's not goodbye, it's see you later. You know, each month we invest in a new place….. a new country……. a new ministry……..and then gain a new family. After serving along side with our ministry contacts and the people the Lord has brought us each month, saying goodbye might be one of the most painful things for me……..ever.
A month is a good amount of time. It's enough time to form a deep relationship and a deep bond that only God can orchestrate. It's enough time to find the Lord in a whole new way. It's enough time to become family.
Today I said goodbye to my home in Cambodia, and all the boys who became my brothers and friends. I hugged them all as tight as I could. "It's not goodbye, it's see you later" was repeating in my head. My eyes were welling up with tears, and my heat was pounding out of my chest….
But on the World Race when you're saying 11 goodbyes in 11 different countries, is it really 'see you later??'
They warn us before coming on the race, that when saying goodbye to ministry contacts it's never a good idea to promise them you will come back. In the moment, you are SURE you will come back one day because you LOVED it so much. But when reality sets in…… it's never good to make promises that realistically you might not be able to keep.
Today….. I didn't care.
I broke down, and while hugging them tight and looking into each one of their eyes and telling them how much I loved them, I couldn't fight the feeling of knowing that I might never see them again. They are my brothers. They are my family. This isn't fair.
Today I promised the boys that I'd be back.
Last night my sweet Noah (who is 12) and I were sitting in the grass looking at the beautiful stars. They were unbelievable last night. He looked at me and said "Besany…. each time I look at stars I will pray to Jesus he brings you back here someday." I said, "Yes Noah, me too."
For those of you that have been following my blogs, you will know that the first part of this month was TOUGH for me. Sickness, village life, homesickness……. it wasn't easy. I wrote this a few days ago in my last days in my new forever home in Cambodia….
Who would have thought…
Who would have thought, the girl that arrived in this village just a short month ago who couldn't wait to leave, now finds herself wishing the days would go slower.
Who would have thought the place that once seemed to unbearable for me to live in for an entire month, now calls this place home.
Who would have thought the girl that was terribly homesick the first week of living in this place, will now feel "homesick" from her new home in the jungles of Cambodia.
Who would have thought that the young boys who run around and call this place home, would establish such a love in my heart that I would love them as if they were my younger brothers.
Who would have thought that the girl who thought she could do it all on her own, now rests knowing that she can only do things through Christ alone.
The truth is, I'm really going to miss this place. I'm going to miss Eddie, Vannet, Noah, Kevin, and Theo….. the younger boys that live here that I've claimed as my little brothers. I'll miss our random tackles and punching sessions………. or our dance lessons each night after dinner.
I'll miss laying out on the gravel next to the rice fields at night and seeing the dome of stars that cover this place.
I'll miss laying in the hammocks while I spend time with Jesus or laugh and talk with my teammates and Cambodian friends.
I'll miss Pheaktra, Sacon, Pektra, David, Tot, Non, and Visna, the older guys that live here. They were like hanging out with friends at home. It was normal. It was fun. I'll miss our jokes, the way we made fun of each other, the countless times we laughed because we couldn't speak each others language very well, or the late nights we would just sit and talk. I'll miss that a lot. The thought of missing them before even saying goodbye physically makes my heart hurt.
I'll miss Vuthy. I'll miss him making fun of me. He always finds something to make fun of me for. I'll miss watching the way he disciples each of the children here, and the words of truth about our God that he so boldly speaks and lives each day. I'll really miss him.
Awe man, is this what heartbreak feels like?
I'll miss the beauty of this place. The never ending views of rice fields, palm trees, and cows grazing next to family huts that they call home. When I first got here I saw this place as incredibly dirty and disgusting….. now I see it as home……… a little piece of paradise.
I'm going to miss being 'teacher Besany.' I'll miss my kids in each of my classes and the eagerness that they brought each and every day. I'm going to miss their desire to learn, and their excitement and zest for life. Or the terribly random sentences they would create for their homework that made me feel like I was failing as a teacher.
I'm really grateful for my time here in this small Cambodian village. It stretched me in ways I've never been stretched before. It radically transformed my heart. It opened my eyes to a reality that I only knew about through the lens of innocence.
I'm struggling with how to put words together. I'm sitting here starring at my computer with my heart pounding, my limbs feeling light and airy, and my eyes welling up with tears. My heart is speaking to me a lot at the moment, but I'm content with not being able to translate my emotions in my heart into this blog. This isn't a "fun vacation." It's real life. Real life isn't always easy……. but Jesus promised it'd be worth it….
