In about two months it will be my 2nd anniversary since I moved here to El Salvador. It is still hard to believe that it has been almost 2 years since I got on a plane and moved to a different country. I never planned to stay here more than 6 months and I never planned to get married! But here I am!
I have been trying to form into words what my time in El Salvador has been like. My husband started painting more pieces to sell to the Canadian teams that he works with. As I was looking at his painting, I started feel like…Wow that is what I feel like.
Living in El Salvador has often felt like a mess. A lot of times I didn’t know what I was doing or even what I was saying! I would try to do ministry and my ministry would fail. I would try to form relationships, but many times couldn’t get past, “Hola, como estas?”
I look at this painting, how it is unfinished, not many details. Honestly it looks like a mess. I am watching my husband paint and just thinking, how is he going to clean up that mess? How is he going to make it into something beautiful?
I ask God those questions a lot. As I stumble and fail and try to make sense of why God would call me to something that seems to be failing. Or why I have to go through physical struggles? It doesn’t make sense and I often times don’t see how God is going to work it out and make something beautiful.
I aslo strive for answers and details. I look at this painting and part of me cringes because the details are lacking. There are big black spots! No details! I want to know what it will be! And I want to know the details of my life. I want to know how God will work this problem out. I want to know what God has planned for tomorrow. I want to know if I am making a difference.
But then, God reminds me. Just like this painting. He whispers to me, “Be patient. Wait on me. Trust in me.” Even when I want to cry or scream because I want to have everything figured out, He is still there telling me to trust in Him. To trust that He does have a plan for me and that His plans are GOOD. In fact they are the best. Maybe I can’t see how everything will work out. Maybe I can’t see the difference I am making here. Maybe I can’t see the bigger picture. But HE CAN. He already knows why He sent me here. He knows how my time here is changing the lives of those around me. HE knows because HE has PURPOSED me to be here.
So I will trust the painter to fill in the details, and change the mess into something beautiful!
