I have been selfish. I have been prideful.
Ouch. The realization of these words hit hard.
I remember preparing myself to come to El Salvador. I knew that I would have to be prepared physically, mentally, and spiritually. But I was ready to serve.
Somehow when I got here, my mentality changed quickly. I began to dictate to God how, when, and where I wanted to serve. If I was going to do something, I wanted to do it my way. If others wanted me to do something a certain way, I thought that I could do it better my way.
I was so blinded to the ugliness of my heart.
When you decide to do missions overseas, you don’t automatically become a selfless, giving, gracious, patient, and perfect person. Instead a lot of times you realize more how you are not those things at all.
These past two months I have been whining, complaining, crying, fighting, and trying to have things my way. I have been pouting. I keep saying, God I don’t understand these people, this culture, this country! Why do I have to do it like this? Why do I have to serve in this way?
And for two months God has let me pout. Like a child having a tantrum, he has sat back and waited till I got tired of kicking my legs and thrashing my arms. And finally when I am tired and trying to catch my breath, He whispers and asks me.
“Bethany, why are you here?”
-I am here to serve
That simple question, in the form of a whisper, showed me the ugliness of my heart. It changed my perspective. Like a punching bag, I felt the air knocked out of me. My purpose in being here isn’t to be the leader, to make people do things my way, or to show people how great I am. My purpose is to see a need and meet it. I am here to serve and through serving show God’s love.
Serving God is hard. It requires a lot of humility, sacrifice, and selflessness. I would like to say that I have these qualities. But the truth is, I am still learning how to have these qualities. A lot of times I want to throw a tantrum because my flesh doesn’t like serving. But I am so grateful for a gracious Father that will whisper to my heart and show me how to better serve Him each day.
