Bus rides in general are not my dojo. But this one in particular I will never forget.
My teammates and I were headed back ‘home’ to the farm in Los Chiles, Costa Rica from the big city of San Jose. This process included buying a taxi to the bus station (which costed more and took longer than we expected), running to purchase tickets/ barely making it on the bus in time, and finally sitting all crammed up next to strangers for a total of 5 hours.
I dozed off for the first 30 minutes or so (exhausted from running around), I read some more of one of my favorite books Redeeming Love (side note- go read it!), and I looked at some old photos reminiscing about home.
Not long after the first hour I noticed the woman sitting next to me. I would guess she was in her late 40s/ early 50s, she had long jet black hair, and all she did was stare out the bus window. Moments later she pulled out an unopened letter and read it silently to herself. Soon tears slowly began to fall down her face…and then all at once. She pulled out a simple white rag and held it to her face, catching the tears and quieting the sobs that followed. I tried not to stare but noticed the girls across the isle pointing and whispering.
My heart slowly began to break for the woman sitting next to me.
15 minutes passed, which soon turned into 30 minutes, and before I knew it, this woman had been hysterically (yet silently) crying her heart out for an hour.
And then I heard a voice.
“Pray for her.”
Immediately goose bumps covered my body. Am I hearing things? I guess it couldn’t hurt to pray for her. So I said a fast little prayer in my head and thought I was good.
“No, pray for her.”
‘Wait, what? God you want me to pray out loud for her? But I’m not fluent in Spanish or know how to even begin this conversation.’
I wrestled with these thoughts in my head until it became clear that’s why God put me on this bus.
I gathered my confidence, and the few Spanish phrases I learned in high school, to tap on the woman’s shoulder and ask if she was alright. To which she replied a broken ‘yes’. I then asked if I could help in any way. She turned slightly and looked at me with her swollen, tear-filled eyes and said, “No my love, there’s nothing anyone can do.”
I sat in silence as I understood and processed this translation.
My heart broke once again for this lost soul sitting next to me.
“Pray for her.”
And so I obeyed. I asked the woman if I could pray for her and she didn’t speak, but nodded yes. I began to pray out loud in English for peace over this woman’s life. I thanked God for giving her a purpose on this earth and that His will would always be done.
Despite the language barrier, I noticed she began to sob heavier as I continued in prayer. Oddly enough, the stares from all around the bus didn’t bother me. Afterwards, I simply told her “Dios es bueno” ~God is Good~
She thanked me multiple times and went back to staring hopelessly out the window. I couldn’t help but gaze too.
As we drove up the mountains, I began to notice the beautiful scenery. We turned around the bend and the whole bus looked at the breath-taking sunset. The sky was filled with calm yet vibrant colors such as a warm pink mixed with a bright orange. It was captivating.
It was almost as if God was reassuring His love for us through His creation.
And then I heard it again.
“Give her all you’ve got.”
Thoughts raced through my mind once more. ‘She never asked for money- how do I know if she needs it? I don’t have much to give God. What if I need this?’
“Trust me.”
And so I obeyed. I discretely opened up my little black money pouch to count how many Colones I was giving this woman. It was about 12,500 Colones which roughly equals $25. It wasn’t much but it was something.
I pulled out my small devotional, flipped through it as I scanned the pages, and ripped one out that read, “Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart.” ~Psalm 27:14~
At the top of the page I wrote the date, circled the reference (hoping she might look it up in Spanish), and scribbled “Dios te ama” ~God Loves You~. I neatly folded it up and put it in the little black money pouch.
The rest of the bus ride God worked on my heart. He reminded me that it’s okay to not be okay. I grew up thinking I had to have everything together, but now I know God loves me entirely for who I am – including my mess. He wants all of me. Not just portions of my life that seem to add up to the expectations I created in my head. He wants all of you. No matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done. And he wants all of her. Even if her heart is broken to the core and she has no where else to turn.
God is breaking down my walls. I don’t have to have my life together, which is good because I don’t. I know I’m not strong enough for every situation, which is alright because He is my strength.
He is breaking the walls in my heart, slowly filling it with His love. He is collecting the shattered pieces, one’s I didn’t even know I’d lost, and He is remolding them into something new.
If you’re broken, it’s okay. If you feel hopeless, confused, or lost like the woman on the bus, know that you’re not alone. God wants ALL of your heart. Don’t hold anything back from Him. Ask God to break your heart for what breaks His. Let Him change your life. You won’t regret it, I promise.
My heart was broken for the woman who’s name I did not even catch.
I stood up to leave the bus as I felt her grab my hand and kiss it. I smiled and placed the little black money pouch filled with Colones and verses in her hand. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes once more and right then my heart began to heal.
