I was very fortunate to have been raised in a Christian home. Throughout my life, and certainly since receiving Salvation as a nine year old boy, I have been aware of the Presence of God, the Church, and Faith. I use the word “aware” rather than “understood” because until recently, what I thought has radically changed. The large part of my Christian life has been more procedural than substantive, while my relationship with God has consisted more of me asking God to give me desire rather than asking Him to make me what He desires and of course this has left me empty and always in tension between the will of the world and the Will of God.
Over the past few years, I have been praying for God’s direction on my life, along with wisdom and understanding. While God is graceful and gives us things we do not necessarily deserve, it was revealed to me I was asking for something that God had in large part provided to every one, and that would be His Word. A few months ago, I completed the Bible and no sooner than the next morning I felt such a deep unease. I had felt unease before but typically I remedied that with a trip or hike into the mountains but this one was different. This one was much deeper and I found the things I used to rely on for comfort made me feel even more hollow. While I love the beauty and splendor of nature and God’s creation, God breathed the breathe of life into humanity and our conscious calls us to do more than observe. I certainly have been blessed with a graduate degree and a wonderful place to work with many Christian people who care very deeply and by the world’s standards, I should be happy; however, I still had the void. I had been looking into missionary work and I chanced across the World Race and something about the idea of serving in this way both scared me to death, but also had a wonderful peace about it. I wrestled with the idea of doing this trip for sometime, and I found that all those things I put before this trip served to beat me down in a way that only God could mend. Then I would commit to this in my mind, feel peace for a while, then let those idols come back into my life, get beaten down and repeat.
Please note, the following is not some story I tell to draw attention to me making a good or moral choice for once, it is to serve as a testimony that has strengthened me and perhaps someone reading this. The backstory behind all of this, is I had applied for a post graduate degree program from a wonderful university in Europe, but was waitlisted for some time. After being waitlisted for four months, they told me the best they could do, even if accepted, would be a half tuition waiver, so I replied to keep me on the waitlist. There was a small part of me that knew this was a way to escape that unease, but a larger part of me that suppressed that idea and said keep pushing towards that goal. After the last round of God graciously picking me up off the mat, (or perhaps leaving me in the proverbial belly of the whale) I finally said, OK God, I’ll do the mission trip, and accepted the gracious invitation to join the race. No sooner than ten minutes later than saying ok and paying the deposit, I get an email from the university and they graciously extended me, not only an enrollment for the fall term, but enrollment juxtaposed with a full tuition waiver and I had a few days to decide. Those few days of deciding have taught me more about Faith and myself than my previous years of life combined. Here I was, faced with a true crossroad, one being follow God’s calling and go serve those in need and seek Him, or two follow my own selfish desires. Let me add, the university has many wonderful people and programs of opportunity that do real good in the world, but every opportunity presents itself differently to different people at different times in their life, and at this moment in my life it was very evident the choice I had in front of me. Everything about this decision was so opposite for me and so revealing to my own character and spiritual state of being, that it was very humbling to look back and see the state I was in (in a bad way, not a good way). Even the value of the scholarship was essentially the value of the funds I have to raise for this trip. In all honesty I had asked God partly to use this extra schooling as a way to help others, while another part of me was seeking the allure and vanity of high international society; however, in reading God’s Word, prayers to God typically get answered on His terms, not man’s and that is what I am faced with. I truly want to help and serve others, while seeing the world and how God is working, but it cannot be done at 50%, with the other half of me pursuing vanity, and that is essentially how I have operated for so long and it has left me empty and in tension. The emptiness is a product of vain earthly pursuits and as some have cleverly stated, insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result. The tension comes from seeking my will over God’s and during those days of deliberation, that and many other things were revealed to me.
After much prayer and the counsel of others, I have chosen to seek God and pursue the World Race. I feel the pull of this being the right path and must have Faith in the God I serve. Ever since the decision, the entire Bible seems so much more real to me whether it be the Book of James or any of the Old Testament Prophets, while at the same time my Faith is being tested so much more every day than ever. It has been easy serving God up until a few weeks ago because everything was just that, easy. God has richly blessed me and those I hold dear, but now I my life has been challenged to take my own hands off the wheel and let God take control for His glory, or to keep doing things my way and maintaining the status quo for my glory (or more accurately, my demise). So for anyone reading this, I hope it is a help to a trial you may be facing. As I stated earlier, this is something I cannot do alone, but true Faith is evidenced in these situations, and I ask for your prayer and welcome your support through this journey. I do not seek prayers that I will do anything great; rather, I seek prayer that I can be used to further Him. Lastly, should you feel compelled to give, please do so “anonymously” (Matthew 6:1-4) so as to also eliminate any opportunity for satan to stir up strife.
