I have grown to adapting many traits and mentalities in my life. Many them being acquired during the struggles faced while in nursing school and building my tiny house. A situation would arise, I would asses it, think it through seeing if it made sense, then make the necessary measures to solving or accomplishing whatever it may be. It’s what people do when they want to aspire to becoming or making something better. It’s how I wanted to grow as a young man. Become knowledgeable in craftsmanship, wise in situational matters, strong in sustainability for that one day when a family and wife would rely on me. I wanted to be composed, collected and prepared for whatever life threw. (Notice all the “I’s” there are in these past few sentences??)
Until lately, little did I know how far I have ventured from faith while striving to become the man I wanted to be. Even though the goal was to be a complete, rounded man of God, all branches of that root were taken completely out of God’s hands and placed in mine. This being done by myself, not God. I took matters into my own hands and strength to accomplish. I developed this eclectic thought that if I didn’t practice it, perfect it or have my hand in it, it wouldn’t be done. From this came MUCH stress. Matters were no longer in God’s hands, they were on my shoulders. Though I noticed this from the start, I ignored the burdening weight of what taking life on oneself does and continued on carrying matters in my own hands. If there was a logical solution to a matter my mind trended toward it. Praying for simple daily matters have been inexistent in my life due to the fact of believing in my own enlightenment and ability to do them. Yes, I can digest tons of essential oils and power foods to get over illnesses rather than pray for healing. Yes I can work extra to pay for crap rather than pray for God’s guidance and providing. Yes I can wake up and instantly start my day thinking I’ll be ok rather than praying for God’s protection over me and my decisions while the sun and moon are up. At times I even caught myself thinking such dark thoughts of people who I heard praying for what I thought at the time to be ‘dumb found’ matters because my mind was saying, “why are you praying? Grow up and learn to do things yourself. Quite being a child and face reality…”
A child… Child like Faith… This is now what resonates very deep within my hard heart.
It started with a hunch. There seems to be so much happening right now in my life. Organizing a Paddleboard and Kayak race during a festival for Belton Lake, Working at a Paddleboard Rental shop, preparing for the World Race and Nursing PRN. All these backpacks of tasks needing to be done and I was wearing them all. Little did I pray to God for help in any of them because, I can physically do them and have been trained for them all, why pray? Well, starting to see that things were pilling up and my soul’s shoulders getting tired I entertained the idea of postponing my departure for the WR until January. This would allow me to finish the season with the rental shop, and work more at the hospital come winter time to raise money. Makes complete sense right! Why struggle to find funds, when I can work for them? Then I read this…
And not a couple days after this, I mustered up the strength to go to church and the pastor says this, “Sense doesn’t spell Faith.” To hit matters with a chisel even more, when I mentioned to by best friend my thoughts on the ‘details’ I was focusing on and solutions I conjured up to solve them (postponing the WR) he basically said, “all that sounds like to me is you don’t have faith…”
Abraham COULD have ‘Considered’ all the details as it says in Romans but he didn’t. He could have given in to his own abilities and taken matters into his own hands, but he didn’t and was FULLY CONVINCED God was able to do what He promised. He remained vulnerable to God, remained faithful, strong in hope and unaltered by circumstances. Much like a child. A child prays, talks, asks and holds themselves at such a level many of us can’t stand. We get annoyed by it, but that’s because they depend and need us. They aren’t embarrassed by there need, it isn’t a weakness as I often viewed ‘need’ spiritually or not.
Through circumstances of life lately, I have come to see how I NEED God. I am DEPENDENT on His guidance, Grace and Mercy. No laughing matter, I am! He has brought this to so much of my attention that I go two days without remaining and keeping myself in a dependent state towards Him, I am already questioning motives in life, veering away from my True life’s path and making my own… It sucks haha.. I am far from being a child in our relationship however I am dying to become one again. This is why I am strong set on doing the WR, and doing it this September. For I am done tacking credit for God’s given gifts in my life. I’m done relying on my own strength. I’m done voting for the route that makes sense. I am done. And embarking on the WR will give me a chance to practice just that while doing the very thing I love and that is travel for the reason to bring aid and a smile. With help through friends and accountability, I strive to become one who, despite his abilities, can and will reach to God in EVERY moment of life, asking Him to be in present situations and aid in every circumstance.
Exerts of what has helped me realize this:
A Praying Life by Paul Miller
“We forget that helplessness is how the christian life works”
“The Gospel, God’s gift of life only works when we realize we don’t have it all together”
“If you know that you, like Jesus, can’t do life on your own. Then prayer makes complete sense”
“Jesus is the most dependent person who ever lived…”
“As you develop a relationship with your Heavenly Father you will change. You will discover nest of cynicism, pride and self will in your heart. You will become unmasked. None of us like being exposed. We have an allergic reaction to dependency, but this is the state of the heart most necessary of a praying life. A needy heart is a praying heart. Dependency is the heartbeat of prayer.”
“Peace is tapping into the knowledge that God has adequate recourses to provide.”
