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These past few days have brought me more life than any I can remember. I feel like an old miner that finally struck gold after years of digging and toiling. But I here the whispers.

“This guy has gone completely sissy and fag.”“Hey hippie, wanna talk about love some more?”
“Talk about going soft.” “He’s a fake.”

To be honest, I am a fake. More times than not my flesh fails the heart I have deep down. Chooses filth over Father. Even worse, I spent most of my time putting on the mask that everyone wanted to see. Or so I thought.

These past few days have revealed a deepness to my identity as son to Father God that I so often hide and cover up. He told to it is time to fully embrace, fully surrender. To embrace a side to me that has been hidden too long.  As stated in my previous blog, I want this New Year to be about Jesus, just Jesus. So here I go.

I plan on writing more, and sharing my writing more. My thoughts, feelings emotions. I am pretty thoughtful and deeply emotional for a guy, so it is time to embrace how God made me. Fear of words and opinions no longer reside here. I will sing and dance more. While my voice isn’t the best, Daddy finds joy in my song to Him. And I will dance wild and free. I will embrace the lover that I am, and pursue love, compassion, and grace.

As part of my open journey, I wanted to share an excerpt from my “Papa Journal”. Mainly because He wants me to be open. To be me. Maybe you will find a new yearning for Abba Father somewhere.

“I just want to give it all to you Papa. To spend my life on You. Martha saw Your worth, so she poured out everything she had. I am tired of “doing”. I just want to sit at your feet Papa and rest. I’m done caring what people might think if I just follow You, love You back with the crazy passion that You pour on me. I just want to hear You speak your gentle words of grace into my ear. Feel You wrap the embracing arms of true love and compassion around this tired soul. Even Your breath is a love song to my weary soul. Everything I have, I want to waste it all on You.

 
 
You are full of life. The way You speak life into these old, dry bones. You see me in all my sin and shame, and call me son. Call me beautiful. No condemnation. No rebuke. Just love. Grace. It beckons me to love You deeper, to know You. To walk with You in the cool of the day. I was made to love You Abba, to sing my song to You. I just want to gaze upon You. To dance, wild and free. Dance like a man running into the fields, breathing fresh air, no longer shackled to spiritual orphanhood.
 
I belong to You Daddy. I can feel You. More real than the air filling these lungs. Than the ground these feet trample on. You are the fire that warms my heart.
 
My dreams are Yours Papa. They are lost to me if You aren’t there. If Your loving presence doesn’t consume me. I want to see as You see Dad, to feel as You feel. I want to break for the hurting and lost. I want to choose love and grace over stern words and a stiff heart. I want to trade my selfishness for a heart of a laid-down lover. My day is Yours, my time is Yours. I want even my hug to feel like an embrace from You. I want my words to contain that sweetness and compassion that made even thieves and prostitutes cling to Your presence.
 
If it means people think I am crazy, I want You. If it means being slandered or misrepresented, I want You Father. The more I seek You, the more I find You. No longer will I let fear of being who I really am stop me from being who You say I am. There is too much love found in the wide open spaces of freedom. I will brave the wave. I will hold nothing back. And I won’t leave until I have You, I can’t. Only You restore me.
 
So, you’ll find me. Singing my song. Dancing in the fields. Laughing. Crying. Finally living.”