Every
once and awhile I need to write, it often has no structure, but it comes from my
heart and helps me to heal. It just let things go and I process. It helps me to
unload what’s on my mind and in my heart because I can store so much there sometimes
and it can feel quite overwhelming. And after returning from a trip of a lifetime
(into the very heart of God), you can feel quite overwhelmed, especially after
being home for a stretch. It’s my hope and prayer that maybe this will trigger
something inside of you to let God into a part of you that you have always had
closed off to Him. So I begin…
Do you
know what it feels like to wake up every day and know that you were made for a
purpose much greater than yourself, to have the faces of countless people pass through
your mind like a slideshow (a little orphan girl who kissed your cheek in Thailand,
the small shiny white teeth of a little aboriginal boy in the Outback of
Australia, the tears of a homeless woman in a bus station in South Africa, the
saddened gaze of a little boy who has a mom that’s abused day in and day out as a prostitute), to feel a
burden that seems so heavy to carry, but He makes it light, to carry the weight
of a divine responsibility, one that you can longer turn your eyes and heart
from? That’s been my life for the past 4 to 5 years, a journey into the
unknown, finding heaven in community and fellowship with other believers, finding
heaven on earth, and finding pieces of heaven in places that feel like the very
pits of hell.
Life’s
too short for me to stay silent; life’s too short for me to go on any longer
not actually living it. I’ve found life in serving Christ; I’ve found comfort
in being in some of the most uncomfortable circumstances and places. I’ve found
the most incredible life a man could ever find. I’ve found a battle to fight, a
reason to live, a cause that’s worth every drop of sweat and blood, and all the
pain and the struggles. I’ve found a divine romance, an intimacy that most can
only imagine, a God that loves me so much that He gave His life for me, that He
wants to speak to me, to listen to me, to call me by name, to call me son, to
rise me up to a call, a plan of redemption for the whole of mankind.
And yet
there’s mornings where I wake up and I plug my ears, I ignore His voice, I let
my pride kick in and I think that I have everything in control. How foolish…
When I
take the easy road instead of the narrow one, I choose for a moment to live in
the mundane and the boring instead of the courageous and bold path of
righteousness. I tread for a minute of the dark side of life, travel through a
fog of insecurities and fear. I squander in a false identity…
I get
so confused that I forget who I am, a beloved son, a prince, a chosen one, a
Kingdom bringer, a world changer, and a soldier of the highest King.
It’s
then that I am reminded that I need You more and more, that it’s simply foolish
to live in such a way where I don’t need You, your guidance, your wisdom, and
your incredible LOVE.
Lord
help me to die to myself again and again and again, every day of my life. Help
we wake up and know that this life is not mine, that I only find life when I
let you live it out in and through me. When I find my identity in You and You
alone. You are my life, my purpose, my plan, my Love. The will of God for my
life is Jesus, to serve Him and His bride and to be like Him. The will of God
is not about what I do, it’s about who I am. A follower of Christ, crucified in
Him so that I may find life.
So I
wake up to a fresh start, committed to choose life over death, and death so
that I may find life..
