So normally I write a long blog post reflecting on the past year and stating what my hopes are for the coming year. But this year, I had more of a desire to just write a letter to my dad. I felt like I had a lot to tell him. I feel like this might be a series of blogs–My “Dear Dad” letters, if you will. They’ll be simple. But it’s a way of expressing myself and of walking through the grieving process still.
So here’s the first one:
Dear Dad,
I’m honestly having a hard time believing that 2013 is already over. I mean, it went by so quickly.
There were two things that were constant this past year: God and change.
That sounds strange saying that change was a constant, but it truly was. Shall we look back and reflect on what went down? I think we shall.
Major Life Events
– Jan. 1 – I decided that I wanted to move back to the 505.
– Jan. 7 – Mom was told that she wouldn’t have a job at the end of March.
– Jan. 27 – Covenant Renewal Sunday at IDC.
– Feb 5 – I dropped my phone in water. And it died.
– Feb. 15 – Found out your cancer was spreading.
– Feb. 16 – Flew back to ABQ for a wonderful visit.
– Feb. 25 – Participated in a Bread Taste Test
– Mar. 10 – You went back into the hospital…
– Mar. 29 – I went to Secret Church with Rach.
– Mar. 31 – Rach got baptized!
– Apr. 27 – Steph flew to RDU for a visit!
– Apr. 29 – Drove to DC and explored!
– Apr. 30 – Spent the day at the National Mall and explored!
– May 1 – We visited Chinatown in DC.
– May 18 – Beach day with Mary Grace and Rach
– June 1 – Kings Dominion trip with the Growth Group
– June 15 – Beach day with the Growth Group
– June 18 – Last Growth Group night…
– June 19 – Drove to SC
– June 21 – Drove to TN
– June 23 – Drove 15 hrs to OK. (I made that pit stop in Nashville to visit the Grimsleys.)
– June 26 – Drove HOME! I remember that long hug you gave me when I finally walked through the door. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that.
– July 5 – We found out that your cancer was terminal…
– July 18 – You were taken to a hospice unit at the hospital.
– July 20 – You took your final breath on this earth. And we had to say goodbye.
– July 26 – We spent the day remembering your life.
– July 29 – Alicia and CA flew in to comfort and love me.
– Aug. 4 – We vacationed in Sedona…we just needed some time away.
– Aug. 30 – We flew to Dallas to spend time with the Grimsleys!
– Sept. 3 – I hiked the La Luz Trail the first time with Manda
– Oct. 1 – Rach flew into ABQ!
– Oct. 10 – Small group retreat in Ruidoso.
– Oct. 22 – I applied for the World Race!
– Oct. 31 – I had my World Race Interview!
– Nov. 13 – I found out I was accepted to the World Race!
– Nov. 14 – Mom got a new job!
– Dec. 12 – Mom and I laughed so hard at Tim Hawkins’ Comedy show. So hard.
– Dec. 24 – We went on the Luminaria Tour…it was gorgeous.
– Dec. 29 – I participated in the Bible Reading Marathon at The Journey
There are so many other things that have happened. I could literally write something for every day of the year and remember what happened. But that would be overkill with you, because you were the one to teach me to cherish every day–to count it as a gift. So, every day may not be major, but it still meant something to me.
You know as well as I that our lives can change in the blink of an eye. As I’ve been looking back, I can’t help but see the changes. From moving back home, to starting a new job, to learning how to live after such a great loss–change has been something I’ve expected this year.
But oh how faithful the Lord has been in all this change! I’m remembering all the phone conversations we had at the beginning of the year–back when you could have a good conversation without loosing your breath. In each conversation, we always turned to the faithfulness of the Lord. Even when we didn’t understand what He was doing, we could always look back and remember the goodness of the Lord.
When Mom lost her job, we thanked God for the blessing of Mom getting to spend extra time with you. When we found out that your cancer was spreading, we cried out to the Lord, wondering why nothing was working. Yet we trusted the Sovereign Father. When I was preparing to move home, you reminded me time and again that I didn’t have to come home; I always responded that I needed to come home. We believed that God had a plan even in that. When we found out that your cancer was terminal, we wept together knowing that we would soon part ways, but that you would have the privilege of entering into eternity with the Father.
I’m so thankful for all those conversations. I’m so thankful I have those to cherish in my heart the rest of my life. I’m thankful we had so much time together.
A lot has happened since you left. I mean, as easy as it would have been to just stay in that place of grief, the Lord had other plans for us. He is teaching us day-by-day how to live again. It’s not always easy. New challenges present themselves every day. But I know that I am learning how to lean hard on Christ and trust Him through it.
I miss you. So much. Your hugs were by far the best.
I know that there will not be a day in 2014 that I won’t think of you or miss you.
I know that your dream for me was to be happy, satisfied with my life. I’m trying to live to that end–to be satisfied with what the Lord has portioned me in this life. I know that it’s not easy or fair. But, “Life’s not always fair.” (Thank you for drilling that into my head at a young age.) I have everything I could ever need to be satisfied, to live a joyful life.
The Lord propels me forward in this life. He helps me remember to continue to cherish each day–even if it is drastically different.
I still get overwhelmed every few weeks–looking back at the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord over the past couple of years that we’ve shared. There’s no reason He should have been as good to us. But He was.
And He still is.
Dad, God is providing in a big way for the Race! I mean, I’m only 17% funded so far. But still. That’s all the Lord moving and working in people’s hearts. I don’t know exactly how God will provide for me in the Race; we still have a long way to go. But He is providing!
I’m excited about the Race! Like, really excited. I’m excited to see how God is going to move and transform lives. I’m excited to explore the world. I’m excited to share my experiences with everyone back home. And I’m really excited to be living in close community again. My heart has definitely missed that.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about it though. I am nervous to leave Mom and Steph behind. I’m nervous to go on this adventure.
But it’s the good kind of nervous-ness that I get about things the Lord has planned. I’m trusting the Lord with this. I mean, I have to. There’s nothing else that I can do but trust in Him. I have to trust that He will care for Mom and Steph while I’m away. I have to trust that He will guide my path on the Race.
He is good.
I’m doing okay, Dad. I’m doing okay. The Lord sustains me.
I love you and miss you.
