This time of year is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.
I knew it was going to be hard, don’t get me wrong. But I guess I just wasn’t expecting as many emotions to filter out like they are.
This is the first holiday season without my dad.
Decorating the house was…different. Not bad. But different. My dad never helped us. He would always sit in his chair and watch a football game, or he would be at the desk working on the bills. But he would not be caught helping us hang the decorations. Us girls always had more fun decorating the house anyway. But my dad would always be there…to point out that something was hanging crooked on the wall, or that an ornament would look better in a different spot on the tree. He was there to make sarcastic remarks to us.
So this year was different. He wasn’t there. No witty banter. No yelling in the background at the football game.
I guess I just never realized how much of a tradition that was for me.
I’m just missing him a lot right now.
Friday will be the 5 month mark. I can’t even believe that. He’s been gone for 5 months already. It’s seems like just yesterday I drove up the driveway after my week-long journey home. It’s seems like just yesterday that he gave me the longest hug after I hadn’t seen him for 4 months.
Some days are better than others. But that’s the way it usually is. I still cry a lot. I still get teary-eyed when I think about some of the memories I have with him.
And then I remember the faithfulness of the Lord over the past year. And I am so grateful for the Lord and His working in my life and in my heart.
This past year was dark. There was so much that I never expected. But the Lord was the hope of my heart. I knew, I knew, that He had to be faithful. I had to cling to Him, because everything in my life was turned upside down.
Things aren’t so much upside down anymore. It’s more just learning how to live in the aftermath, learning how to keep walking with the Lord during this loss and pain.
He is faithful. Even now, I can see that He is still faithful.
