LOVE.
always been my biggest fear.
In
a broken place about two months ago my imperfections and emotions flooded out
on the pages of my journal. It was the first time I actually realized how
consumed I was by the fear of conditional love. 
In
all ways, it was my truth and I ignorantly based my life off of it.
With
that being said, I did everything I could for people to love me…
I
ran from hurt and from pain…both literally and figuratively. It was my coping
mechanism. I feared people’s love for me would end if I was not my typical
happy, joyful, and fun self. So I put on a pretty face and walked with a
convincing smile so no one would have a reason to not love me. I thrived
and even prided on being so good at hiding my emotions. And I was definitely
not ever going to let anyone see me cry, because in my eyes crying was a sign
of weakness and I am not weak I am strong!
I
told others so often “I don’t cry” that I convinced myself of it and I
didn’t. On the few occasions that I did, I’d locked myself in a room alone. I
ran. I withdrew. No one could help me because I wouldn’t let them. I
wouldn’t ask because I wasn’t able to receive. There was no need for me to have
to ‘burden’ others with my emotions and sadness. The line played on repeat in
my head, no one likes it when you are miserable, so you might as well be
happy, and so the façade of strength and happiness would begin again.
As
the fear increased it began to infect all aspects of my life… I got caught up
in my body image-fearing if I gained weight then no one would love me; in
relationships- if I didn’t give myself physically then I would not be good
enough; in disagreements-if I wouldn’t give in and apologize then I would be
rejected; in friendships- if they’d get too close they might see my flaws and
relinquish their love and lastly it flooded over and kept me distanced from God
as I could not accept his goodness.
I
soon realized that this wasn’t just an issue from the past few months. It had
been built up and ran deep over years and years of my life. The strings of
conditional love and rejection were wrapped so tightly around my heart that I
couldn’t take it any longer. I knew that something had to change, I didn’t know
how, but knew I couldn’t do it on my own…
