India has challenged me, reminded me of my identity and has drawn me even closer to the Lord. It is hard to put into words the transformation I have seen in myself in these past few weeks.
I did not know who I was, thought I had nothing to offer as I was consumed by lies. I felt distant and angry with the Lord, just covered with confusion.
One night during worship, I could not focus to save my life, so I just left. Trying to hold back the tears of frustration I started writing to Jesus. This was my breaking point. Looking back on it all now makes sense realizing that Satan was trying to steal my identity from me and he was winning…
I wrote to the Lord telling Him my deepest feelings of worthlessness, nothing to give, nothing even worthy of giving, questioning why I was even here in the first place. As I sat with Him, He tried to comfort me, yet I still chose to sit under the dark cloud. I questioned what was happening to my identity, I thought I had this figured out already! It goes on and on.
(this part taken from Andi’s blog…she said it perfectly! thanks andi!)
Little did I know, that there were about six others who were struggling with the exact same thing. We were on the roof yet another night,one worshiping, and one of the guys mentioned that his identity was being attacked. At that moment, something was released. His freedom to voice that brought it out into the light, and it gave freedom to me and others. Freedom to admit it and know that we are not alone in it.
We talked through the fact that the enemy has a really strong foothold in this city, and that this is a place full of confusion. Which god is real, this one, that one, the cow across the street, one of the other 306 million idols/animals to choose from? This cloud and heaviness of confusion was definitely having its way in us.
We talked about was that we had just spent three months apart from the whole squad. We had changed, grown, and become new people in that three months, and none of us really knew how to be that new person with all the other new people around us. We were trying to figure out how we worked together and fit in as a family again.
We talked about how our spiritual lives are supposed to go through testing. James wrote in his first chapter that we should “count it joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”
And the final thing we discussed was that there were times of intense testing that even Jesus went through. He wandered in the desert for 40 days being tested. The devil straight up asked him in Luke 4, “IF you are the Son of God…” Jesus himself had to battle the enemy challenging his identity. If he had to battle it, then no doubt that is an area that the enemy will try to defeat us in as well.
So then we gathered together as a family, united as the new people that we are, to be prayed over, encouraged, and affirmed in who we are and the good work that the Lord is doing in us and through us.
After being re-affirmed and encouraged by the squad I still needed to sit with the Lord, my ultimate validation. I had dreaded it and played over and over in my mind the things I knew He would tell me. I should have learned by now that I can never already know what He will tell me. A few days later I finally humbled myself to ask the Lord who I am. He gave me an entire page of words, not just shallow words that could apply to anyone, but things that truly describe me and me alone. Now I feel empowered, confident and strong in the Lord! I got my identity back and this time I know, without a doubt, who I am! And I stand firm on that! Since then, daily I have read over that page reminding myself who I am so the enemy cannot attack my identity anymore. He’s got nothing on me!
Through the challenging times, comes change (Refiner’s fire) and ultimately draws us closer to the Lord than ever before. Back to that verse…James 1… “Consider it pure joy my friends when you face trials of many kind because You know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”
I would not change the struggles for anything because through it I have persevered through the Lord, now knowing who I am, and walking confidently in that.
