“It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”- David Steindl-Rast
I've been sitting in this slump for a while now, not really comprehending why exactly I feel a lack of “joy” and “happiness” in my life but knowing the more days that I go on in this slump, the more I feel darkness envelop me.
It becomes harder to laugh
to see the small gifts in everyday life
to genuinely love the orphan on the side of the road
to care for the widow
to even seek after the Lord willingly not out of obligation.
Yesterday was a breakthrough. I'm not really sure why, but I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. I started to worship, I mean, really worship. Not for me, not to ask the Lord to take away the pain but to thank Him for who He is…
I started to smile and laugh. It was like a weight was lifted off of me…
Than the morning came.
Back in the some ol' rut doing the same thing:
“Lord, I'm not getting this! I'm not understanding.. I used to see the beauty in everything. I used to dream amazing dreams and laugh all the time..now I can barely get out of bed. What is going on?”
I started reading this book and in it, it just started to talk about being grateful and it seemed to all click simultaneously–
In Luke 17 Jesus is walking like always and 10 lepers come to Him and stand at a distance. They “lifted up their voices saying, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.”' (v.13) and He does. These 10 lepers get healed! Done.Life of skin disease over. The story goes on to say that only 1 comes back and thanks Jesus for what He had just done. Think about this..no, don't just scan through. Think about what just happened:
Have you ever met a leper? I have. They become outcasts. They can lose families and loved ones over something they cannot control and sent away to a “village” to live and die. No, I'm not being dramatic, this is what happens and these 10 lepers come and stand away from Jesus and just cry out to Him and He sees them. The Lord, the Messiah, see's these men that so many of us would be afraid to make eye contact with and tells them to go to the priests and they are healed.
They can go back into society.
They can have a 'normal' life.
Yet 1 man says “thank you”.
Only 1 man shows God how grateful he is for what just happened.
So, I started to think about what I have been thanking God for lately.
……
Nope, I got nothing.
I remembered all the things that I have prayed to God for: healing from a brokenheart, healing from sickness, healing from homesickness, provision for finances, to have burdens lifted off of me, etc., yet I got nothing when it came to thanking Him for anything; good or bad.
I have yet to thank Him for letting me be in His presence constantly. I hear about others struggling to even feel Him yet I wake up to Him.
I haven't thanked Him for protecting me from the spiritual warfare that is so evident around where I am living (a teammate of mine met a warlock the other day and he was NOT happy Christians were in town).
I haven't thanked Him for a bed, water, food, and a roof over my head this month… I think I do remember thinking “thank god I'm not living in a tent this month, it is way too hot” but I dont' think that counted.
The point is, I misplaced a beautiful gift that gives my soul joy… a grateful heart.
After realizing this, I finally understood:
When all I see is myself and what's wrong without realizing that everything is in my life to bring me closer to Him, my Father, Lover and King, than I lose everything. I fall into this dark pit of self which is such a miserable place.
So I thank you God for everything; for the roof over my head, for the friends and loved ones in my life, for the hot sun and dirty babies that have gotten me sick because I held them. I thank you for this bed that is an actual bed because you have given all of these things because You love me. You want me to experience less of myself and more of You and if that means more sickness, than bring on the dirty babies! Forgive me for allowing my eyes to only see myself. So I thank You for today and if there is a tomorrow, I pray that my eyes are opened to what You see and not what I see.
