I’ve been debating for a while on what to “blog” on this thing. I am a horrible blogger. I write all the time but I usually just write extremely personal things and only in my own personal notebook that no one will ever read. So, my biggest struggle has been how to blog without showing a deeper side of me but still seeming “deep”. For those who do not know me very well, I am the “all or nothing” sort of person, so trying to sound so “deep and personal” without actually being “deep and personal” has been a challenge. Well, needless to say, I could not find a happy medium and figured to just write about what has been on my heart lately. I am trying to pretend that this keyboard and computer screen is really just my notebook and a pen.
As someone who has been blessed to converse with women from all ages (anywhere between the ages of 14-65 years of age) almost daily, I have been able to learn that women… struggle. We all struggle with the thoughts of being too big, too small, too loud, too quiet, too outspoken, too independent, or too dependent (there are a ton more, but for now, that is the list). I personally battle more with the “too loud” and “too outspoken” or just really, too much. When I read about the Proverbs 31 woman, I get sort of mad. She seems so perfect, and I am so not. Her life is so balanced and her personality is so pleasant. My life seems so sporadic and my personality seems just… not so pleasant. I am constantly told differently by my friends, coworkers, and acquaintances but it never really changes my mindset.
Most women, like myself, also struggle with the “pain of rejection”. I was told about a blog last night and was told “if you are single, you must read this”. Well, I am single thus I “must read this” blog. So, I did. I read to this paragraph: “In my ideal world, everyone would get to be someone’s favorite. The pain of rejection in singleness comes in the unbalanced nature of relationships. I have people who are my favorites. They are my dearest and nearest friends – my top priorities outside of Jesus. The thing is they have husbands and children. And so, I’m not their favorite. These people are my family, but I’m not their family. And that’s painful.” ( http://www.fabsharford.com) I had to stop after this paragraph. Literally on the drive home from dinner, I was struggling with this thought. I live out on my own. My blood family lives a thousand miles away (literally). I have a couple “Texas Families” that I adore but the thought that they have their own families with their own lives crosses my mind all the time. I know they love me as much as I love them, but “These people are my family, but I’m not their family. And that’s painful”. So the battle with loneliness is never far off for me and I know it is not far off for most people as well. I stopped reading after that paragraph because I could no longer deny that I struggled. I had to deal.
The “pain of rejection”, the battle with loneliness and the idea that I am too much occur almost daily for me. My own sins and desires have thrown my life on an off-balance course. In a way, these struggles are a great thing. If I did not daily struggle with these things, I would not daily cling to the only One who saves me from… well, me. I went through that phase of denying that I actually felt these feelings or shoved down the feelings just to get through the day. I can no longer accept my convincing argument that I have dealt with this for so long that it will never actually go away. For those who do not know what it is like to give up the daily battles that feel like they will never be won to the only One who can win them, then let me try to describe it to you. To daily give up something that you feel absolutely hopeless in is… unpleasant at its worst. Some days you will feel despair, even more pain or just plain ridiculous. More days than none, you feel free. You feel like that chain that has been around your neck has been taken off and you no longer need to go around in self-pity. The world looks slightly different. Slightly bigger. Slightly more than yourself. On the bad days, they are usually bad because I refuse to give up everything. I want to cling on to just a little bit of my self-pity.
I am nowhere near perfection, but God sees me perfect. I have been put in my city, where I work, who I hang out with for a reason. All of this is part of a bigger plan than what I can see. My daily struggles are a part of me for now, but they are not who I am. My life is constantly changing. My heart is constantly growing. Where will God lead me next? How will He change my heart again? Ready to find out.
Daily Self-Reminder:
“We are not out to make great our name but we are out to make great of The Name”
– Matt Chandler
