Four Walls
Four walls, that’s what I’ve had to look at for the most part of this month. For the last two weeks I have been sick and not able to partake in ministry. I have never experienced pain the way I have these last couple of weeks. After consulting with the doctor her in Romania and speaking to a doctor from the states they determined that I must have contracted a bacteria or parasite in India. The first couple of days I was truly upset and could not understand why I was still sick. I spent the last week of India extremely sick to my stomach and I honestly thought I was better. I found myself questioning why God would allow me to be sick once again. Being sick meant not being able to participate in ministry, not spend time with my team, and most of all not experience Romania. I found myself staring at the four walls of my room thinking about how miserable I was.
After a couple of days consisting of wallowing, I stopped myself and thought “Becky stop the self-pity and open your eyes.” I realized that while I was consumed with my illness and the negative effects, I hadn’t taken time to see what God was truly trying to teach me. First, I realized how loving my teammates and squad mates have been. Not once did they cease to come see how I was doing. The medicine was not working and I realized that the only way I was going to feel better was by handing this over to the Lord and trust that he was going to heal me. I have to admit that although I’ve been a “Christian” all my life the one thing that I have struggled with is blindly trusting the Lord. I know in my head that God is Almighty, that he is Sovereign, that he is Healer, that He is Protector, yet, for some reason doesn’t always connect with my heart. I sat in my bed with my head down and ask the Lord to take this burden off of me, I told him that I was no longer going to fret about my illness because I was leaving it in his hands. Honestly, after this prayer the very next day I began to slowly feel better. As the days past I started feel stronger and the pain was leaving, until it was completely gone. I have gained so much freedom from this experience.
I felt as if God was telling me that he has been trying to show me these last seven months that he has me in his hands. He has been constantly reminding me that he is faithful and he just needs me to trust in Him. Yet, I wouldn’t listen and constantly doubt him. I am such a hard headed person and honestly something drastic always has to happen to get my attention. Well, I got sick and it was hard but what a beautiful lesson came out of it.
I write this with tears in my eyes because I truly feel like a whole new person. There is so much freedom in trusting my heavenly father. I look back at my life and I see that he has been faithful every step of the way yet I have been so blind to it. I am quick to forget his goodness with life gets hard but no more.
I can say I fall more in love with my heavenly father and these last two weeks were just a reminder of how much I need of him. These last two weeks show me that I can do nothing without the Lord. I truly hunger and thirst for the Lord.
Psalms
62 For God alone my soul waits in silence;
from him comes my salvation.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken.
3 How long will all of you attack a man
to batter him,
like a leaning wall, a tottering fence?
4 They only plan to thrust him down from his high position.
They take pleasure in falsehood.
They bless with their mouths,
but inwardly they curse. Selah
5 For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from him.
6 He only is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; I shall not be shaken.
7 On God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.
8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.
