As I lay here tonight I just feel so overwhelmed…I had to begin to write this blog. With tears in my eyes, all I can say is THANK YOU!!! I feel like that’s just not enough, but I literally feel at a loss for words!
This journey has been nothing short of easy. It’s been hard! It’s been stretching. But it’s been good, I’ve grown. I’ve seen the Lord move so greatly, I’ve seen Him be so kind and gentle.
I remember starting this journey with that looming number every racer can share probably from memory 16561. In MARCH I wasn’t sure how it would work out, I had no idea where the money would come from.
But I remember so clearly that I was to sign up for this race.
I spent more nights then I care to admit before I left bawling, telling myself…I can’t do this…why did I sign up?!…this is just too much. And over and over people spoke into my life, reminding me of truth.
But every time I received a donation it was as if you came along side of me and pushed me deeper by saying “I believe in you” “you can do this” “you are able!” “Just say yes” and I would be pumped to go.
But then again a tidal wave would rush over me and doubt, fear, uncertainty took me under and I was spinning…even through these last few months. I feel like I’ve been just treading water to survive.
But this month, this month was different. This month we had no agenda, no ministry layout. We did Ask The Lord and Unsung Hero. We had the opportunity to partner with God everyday to impact this city. This month was my month to step into leadership.
At training camp I was asked to take the leadership role for my squad as the Unsung Hero coordinator. Basically Unsung Hero (UH) is where we go out into the city and find “men/women of Peace” people who have ministries or who are pouring back into the community, that aren’t necessarily front line runners. They are the normal day to day who partner with the Kingdom to make a difference My role in this was to lead the squad in this! I would train up teams, teach them who men/women of Peace could be, and encourage them to dig deeper into the community and find those who are typically overlooked.
When I entered into this month, I was barely keeping myself above the surface. I struggled with how can I lead a team to trust in the Holy Spirit this month when I’m so lacking in this area! How am I supposed to motivate and pump these teams when I couldn’t do it for myself.
All I knew to do was to move forward. I was put in this position for a reason, and I was going to make it happen! We started off with teachings, and it went well! We split into teams and began our month. But something felt different for me. One night I was sitting in the little out cove and I just started writing, I was writing out fears, frustrations, places where I felt annoyed, places where I felt like the Lord abandoned me, when I questioned if He was really even for me! And that night the Lord showed up for me. He was so KIND and COMPASSIONATE, He was so delicate with my heart. He spoke truth, He showed me where He was every time I questioned. He ministered to my heart.
During this time I also had a conversation with a friend back home and it just reminded of all the amazing things we saw the Lord do. What could really happen if we choose to partner with God. If we choose to accept the Holy Spirit and allow Him to flow through us. And after hours of sitting out there, it was as if a fire was life again. Like a “reboot” happened in my heart. Things had shifted, and finally instead of relying on my own strength, on my own thoughts, I now allowed the Lord to be my strength, to guide my thoughts and I CHOOSE IT. I realized that every day the Lord offered me a choice, was I going to do it on my own or was I going to trust in Him and for the last 3 months I coasted. I did things on my own. (That doesn’t mean I didn’t see Him move, it just means that I didn’t allow Him to lead and I was tired, I was drained, I was empty..)
And the whole month changed for me. I no longer was doing ministry out of an obligation, I was no longing just keeping myself above water. I was now totally above, trusting, and actually excited!!
This month I got to meet some AMAZING people that live and work here in Antigua. I’ve made friendships with some of local vendors, where they have stopped trying to sell me anything, they now want to talk, they share how their day is going, and what is new in the life. They allow us to pray over them. And this…this is what KINGDOM is about. It’s about seeing people, it’s about LOVING people and it’s about being like Jesus.
Sometimes in conversations we don’t speak a word about Jesus, but we know their names, we know their families and we are able to love them, and allow them to be seen, allow them to be heard. And once that connection is made then we talk about Jesus because He’s SO much more then just information to shoved down someone’s throat. He’s one who wants to love on people, and He wants people to know His true character not just a couple of verses out of His word. (Now I’m not bashing any type of quick evangelism cause I know sometimes there isn’t space to have multiple conversations, sometimes you have a 5 minute window. But Jesus can still be portrayed as Love and as Kind in those 5 minutes without the person feeling attacked or judged).
So I no longer feel like I’m treading water. I now feel like I could walk on the water with the Lord. Being put into a leadership role this month has forced me to be stretched. Forced me to seek after the Lord and has caused me to be where I am now at the end of this month.
I know this got longer and longer as I typed, but I share all of this because I want you to know what you’ve invested in. You didn’t invest in Becca Oakley the girl who just loves missions. You invested in people literally around the world. You have invested in people hearing the Gospel. You’ve invested in people who will now spend eternity with the Lord. You have invested in me learning more about who the Lord is and how His spirit wants to connect with me.
So thank you. Thank you. I wish there is more that I can say or more that I could do for each of you personally. But thank you for helping me move forward in this calling! It’s not easy but it’s SO WORTH IT!!!
