There have been a few times in my life that I can openly admit—I was angry with God. The other night was one of them…
My first week in India we visited this slum, a slum that stole my heart. A slum I desperately wanted to return to. A slum I was to share my testimony with. My testimony was going to be heard by women, several women. Women who have probably suffered from sexual abuse, either as a child or as an adult. Either way, their culture says “Its the woman’s fault that she was raped or molested” So I was excited to share that IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT! That they can find healing and have the loving grace to forgive their abuser.
Well…. Things didnt go as planned. “MY plan” that is.
The staff of Covenant Worship was concerned with me sharing my testimony at the slum because a lot of the men that would be there believe that rape and molestation is the woman or child’s fault. So, I walked behind my team with one of our translators to tell her my story to see if it would be okay to share with them. After 2 miles of walking and talking, we realize we had lost the others. She didnt know how to get to the slum and she didnt have a cell phone on her. So, we walked to Sarah Covenant Home where there are dozens of orphaned special needs children. Madhu (our host and translator) told me to go upstairs to play with the children. At first I was a little apprehensive because I didnt know the heartache I was definitely going to feel. I wasn’t prepared at all to see what I was about to see.
I walked upstairs to children everywhere. Some kids that were mobile and some that just laid there unable to do anything. I walked through each room in the house just gazing at the beauty of these children that were just thrown away by their parents. My heart cries for the parents who felt like there was no other hope than to give their baby away. My heart cries for the children who just lay there day in and day out. My heart cries for the children who endure pain all the days. My heart cries for the volunteers there who have so many children to care for and don’t have the time to spend quality one on one time with them. The time they need to show the child love that it so desperately needs. My heart cries for God. I cry for him because this wasn’t how he created the world to be. Sickness and death came with the fall of man. God’s beautiful heart breaks to see his beloved children in pain and without the physical love he created us to give to each other.
Why was I angry with God? Whelp, I struggle with disappointment. I was disappointed I wasn’t able to make it to this slum to share my testimony and see many women receive healing from their abuse. I was angry with him because he didnt prepare me for Sarah Covenant Home. I was angry because I didnt understand why he wanted me there instead of at the slum. Every child I laid my eyes on ripped my heart out.
After about an hour of weeping and praying over the children I was finally picked up by a taxi that took me to the slum. God still had it in his plan for me to share my testimony to those women and I did. I kick myself in the butt today because I feel like I did it still angry at God and still heartbroken for all the children I just cried with. Though my testimony was still powerful- I don’t feel like it was Spirit led. Every single woman at the slum were on their knees weeping. Begging for prayer. My heart may not have been fully present in that moment of sharing my story but God still used my words to minister to those women.
Lord, forgive me for thinking my plans are better than yours. Forgive me for not finding the joy and opportunity in every “plan change”. Teach me to always hear your voice, even in confusion and frustration. Give me patience. Give me understanding. Give me your eyes to see what you see. Give me your arms to love. Give me your gentle voice to speak words of LOVE to all of your people. I still don’t understand what you were trying to teach me at SCH but I ask that you reveal it to me. Even if it was just preparing my heart for what is yet to come in the next 10 months. I trust you. I adore you. I laid down my life for you just as you laid yours down for me.
