Verb: fear
1. Be afraid, feel anxious, or apprehensive about a possible or probable situation or event.
Most of the people in my life would consider me fearless. Once upon a time, I even described myself as fearless. That was until I began to truly examine myself and my heart. I may be fearless to some because I don’t fear heights, bugs, animals, being home alone, men, shaving my head, or quitting my job and leaving my family to go on an 11 month mission trip with only a backpack, however, though I am not afraid of the things that your average person is afraid of… I am not fearless.
I want to take moment today to tap into this “authenticity” that I wrote about in my last blog. I want to dissect my heart and reveal to you, and myself, what I am truly fearful of.
I am afraid of failure. I am afraid of death, not my own death but the death of someone dear to me(especially while I am away). I am afraid I don’t have what it takes to live out of a backpack for 11 months and the 50% introvert that I am never getting quality alone time. I am afraid that I don’t have the faith it takes to raise $16,277.00. I am afraid of public speaking. I am afraid people wont accept me and my 100 mile long past of addiction, promiscuity, theft, lies, and violence.
I am sure that I could dig out several more of my innermost fears but I want to focus on the fears I listed.
Being afraid of failure is crippling. You cant ever expect to be somebody or do anything with your life if you are afraid of failure. Where I am in my life today didn’t take bravery or courage but total reliance on God and his promises to guide me and protect me. Therefor, I am no longer crippled by the fear of failing like I once was. God remembers his promises.
Being afraid of losing someone you love is a fear that 99% of us have. I often try to put myself in Abraham’s shoes. God told him to sacrifice his only son Issac and he would have had God not intervened just in time. So the question is, do we idolize the people(blessings) God has placed in our lives? So much so that we fear even the slightest thought of losing them? Surrendering EVERYTHING and EVERYONE to God almost seems impossible to our little minds but how cool is it that we can even ask him to help us surrender everything and everyone to his plans? That has been a daily prayer for me. “Lord, help me surrender everything to you. Reveal things that I am selfishly gripping tightly to. Be my everything. Be the LORD OF MY LIFE. I surrender.”
“I am afraid of not having what it takes to be a missionary for 11 months.” Well, Rebecca, God has called you, therefor, he has equipped you. “I am afraid that I don’t have the faith to raise 16,277.00.” Again, God called you, he will provide and through people and situations you least expect it from.”But I will never have any alone time.” Get over it, why would you need to be alone as a missionary? Kinda defeats the purpose of going, dork.
I am afraid of speaking publicly yet I have such a powerful testimony that needs to be shared and heard. Every time I have shared my story it was because The Spirit was leading me to do so. I get shaky, I break out in hives, and I am intensely nervous-fearful of judgement (judgement from other failing humans? Silly, I know) or saying the wrong thing but God always proved faithful and gave me the words to speak to listening ears. Several others have made similar mistakes and have been in similar situations and in being authentic and truthfully sharing our past we actually edify each other and we’re able to speak truth and wisdom into each others lives. Seeing what God has done in my life has tickled my heart but to also see what he has done and is doing in the lives of others motivates me to stand up and share with anyone and everyone who will listen to me, my story, my faith, and what God has done and IS doing in my life! BAM fear CRUSHED!
Fear of rejection.. Haven’t we all struggled with this? We want to be liked. We don’t want to be defined by our past and our shortcomings. Why is it that we fear being rejected by other sinners? Shouldn’t we only worry about what God says about us? DUH! Finding my identity in Christ has been a beautiful adventure. He calls me WORTHY, HOLY, LOVELY, RIGHTEOUS, CLEAN, A NEW CREATURE, and my favorite-REDEEMED.
Despite my fears and my past, I promise to stand firm and see this through to the end. No fear that the enemy places in my heart will be entertained. He cannot win a battle that has already been won. I, Rebecca, am going on The World Race in just a few short months and will leave every fear and insecurity here in America. Look out world. Here. I. Come.
