On the race you don’t have much control over what you eat. More often than not you’re using some form of a carb as a vehicle to pick up another carb to put into your mouth. Rice on tortillas in Central America, rice on Roti in Asia, and rice on Chapati in Africa. Carbs are our utensils and they are also our food. Deadly combo. So in order to avoid the infamous 'Chapati Body,' (not cute) we break out a little something known as Insanity.
If you don’t already know about Insanity, consider yourself lucky that you have managed to avoid it thus far in life. It’s kind of like like slow torturous death while you’re doing it and yet somehow feels so incredible the moment you finish. Sometimes I have dreams that if I don’t try hard enough Shaun T will pop up in the middle of an African slum and make me run suicides. I know, scary. But wouldn't you have nightmares about this guy too? —>
Since letting my life be dominated by Shaun T, I’ve started to realize something about myself – I let myself get scared of the unknown. When I don’t know how long something is going to last or how hard it’s going to be, I hold back. So when Shaun tells me to do frog jumps for an indefinite amount of time, I go hard at 90%. Because if I give it my all, what if I can’t finish? When each workout finally comes to an end I’m always completely exhausted, but I also always have this feeling inside of me that I could have tried harder. I could have given 100% and still been able to finish. Knowing I could have done more greatly decreases the satisfaction of finishing.
It’s the same with the Race. I go into each month of ministry wanting to be all in. Go hard or go home, ya know? But then I get tired. Or overwhelmed. Or overcome with feelings of not being able to really make a difference. I end up settling for giving most of myself. Saving enough so that I’m not too attached and it’s not too hard to leave. I’ve gotten really good at finding the line of doing enough so they think I’m all in, but at the end of the day knowing I could have done more. And just like with Insanity, knowing I could have done more greatly decreases the satisfaction of doing it at all.
So now I find myself in Africa, a place that my heart loves. There are 3 ½ months left of this journey. Only 3 ½ months! That’s a time frame that I can grasp. A light at the end of the tunnel kind of feeling. Short enough that I know I can completely give myself to each ministry and make it through, but long enough that there’s still time to make some kingdom difference.
I want to love fiercely. To give of myself freely. To share Jesus without hesitation.
I want to rejoice in the Lord’s great joys and mourn in his deep sorrows. I want to love and care for his children. I want to see the pain in this world and have the chance to do something about it.
I want to inspire hope. Not a hope based on false realities, but the hope of Jesus. The one hope that is never failing, never changing.
I want to be all in, and I think Shaun T would approve.
