Wow, it’s been a month since I last blogged and LOTS has happened! This blog may be a tad long, but I want to share an experience I had this week! I will also give you a short recap of my second month here:
Debrief Happened – Debrief is a week spent with my squad away from our ministry to recharge, relax, and have meetings with leadership. It was so much fun to hang out with my squad family and be able to completely relax before heading into the second half of our time in El Salvador.
Team Meek in the house – After debrief, my team (Dauntless) found out that team Meek was going to join us. That means that six more girls joined my team in living at the church and doing ministry. It’s been over a week since they first joined us and it’s been super good! Thirteen girls living together may sound terrifying, especially if you knew how different we all are, but it has been so good. It’s such a blessing to be surrounded by twelve women of God to grow and struggle with. I am learning a lot about what true, Godly community looks like.
Antigua Weekend Trip – My team and the Meek team got the chance to visit Antigua, Guatemala for a weekend! We were able to go with one of our squad leaders and our ministry host! It was amazing. Antigua is the most beautiful city I’ve been to; it inspired me in new ways, gave me a fresh breath of life, and allowed me to drink some GOOOODDD coffee. Overall, the trip was amazing and such a great way to start the second half of my time here in El Salvador!
Now I am entering my third month on the race & my third month in El Salvador.
YIKES!
How did this happen? How do I only have four weeks left here? My heart hurts when I think about leaving this place, my ministry, my friends and my host. I’ve made friends with the locals, settled into what life is like here and invested in the people around me. I can’t imagine the day I have to say goodbye to it all and go to my next country. In the same moment of not wanting to leave, my heart longs to be home.
I went through three intense days of wanting nothing in life than to go home. I wasn’t even sure why I wanted to go home, but I cried for hours, pleading with God to let me go. I looked for every reason to justify going home and leaving the race; I even got to the point where I was okay with disobeying God if it meant going back home. On the third day, I had a screaming session at God in my head. I told Him how mad I was at Him and angry at the fact that He brought me to this place. I have never been so angry towards God than in that moment. I wasn’t even ashamed of saying I was pissed at Him because it felt so real and hurtful. I did not know how to handle the feelings I had, but I knew I needed to be honest with God.
After my screaming session with God, I came to a place of realization that this is where I needed to be. I was not happy about that, but I knew. Still being angry about that, I wrote in my journal for God to meet me. I wrote about how I would chose to be here if He met me. I also wrote that my heart was tired, that I needed things to praise Him for instead of things to work on, and how I needed to be filled up. I kept writing, asking Him to meet me. This is the point where one of my teammates, Katie, walked in and saw me crying. I explained what was going on and mentioned that I felt bad for being so angry with God. Her response was great and so true. She said “God can handle you being mad at Him. He is a big guy.” I am not making an excuse for me yelling, but sometimes it is good to let out how you really feel.
A few hours later, my teammate Kaitlyn was walking towards the table that was surrounded by my team and team Meek. I stopped her and asked what she was doing. She had just received a listening prayer (words from God – usually in a form of a letter to someone) and she didn’t know who it was for. I asked her how it started and she said “My Love,” – I knew right then that it was for me. She continued to go to the group and read it out loud in case other people needed to hear it as well. Everything in the letter was dead on with what I needed to hear, but I KNEW it was for me by the last line. It said “Will you meet me?” That’s when I knew this letter was from God. He heard me screaming at Him and had a response.
This listening prayer is the most intense one I have read yet. I would like to share this listening prayer with you because it changed my perspective and attitude about wanting to go home. I have read this to myself countless times as I process through how I’m feeling. Every time I read it, I get something new from it.
My Love,
Rest in me. Trust me and my plan for you. I love you.
I always have and always will.
Trust me. I am good. I will show you each step if you will let me.
Do not shut me out when you do not like what I have to say to you.
Stop suppressing My Spirit. You know my voice.
You know what is right. Walk in the way I have shown you.
I am not playing games with you. I know what I am doing.
Nothing matters but what I think.
Trust me, my child. You are loved. I have a plan. Walk in it.
I am here, will YOU meet me?
These words are piercing and make me cringe thinking that God had to say this to me, but it’s exactly what I needed to snap me out of my funk. I needed to hear that I was shutting Him out and suppressing His Spirit. I needed to hear that I know His voice and know what is right. I needed to know that He cares about me enough to write this letter, with words that were hard to hear. This letter changed my heart. I am back on track with God. I am VICTORIOUS. I have victory in Jesus to complete what He has called me to do, which in this season is to complete the race.
Thank you for making it to the end of this blog! My next blog will be coming very soon with some exciting news! (:
Much love,
Bailey
