I haven’t felt feelings in a while. Through past experiences, letdowns, and not-so-great choices, my heart became jaded.
When we prayed for feelings, I was hoping for the happy, sunshine Jesus feelings. Instead, I’ve cried more than I have in I can’t remember how long, I’ve felt such sadness, such frustration, and I even felt abandoned and un-chosen by the same God to whom I prayed.
But even amongst the pain, I have begun to feel alive again. Instead of feeling nothing, I did feel pain, and feeling that pain has allowed me to feel happiness. I am no longer a rock; The Lord is beginning to turn my heart of stone into a heart of flesh—one that experiences pain so it can embrace the fullness of joy.
It’s interesting: I’ve always had this strange interest in the book of Job, however heavy it is. Amongst all the trials Job faced, he worshipped and gave thanks to the Lord. Job was able to fully understand the breadth of joy because he had experienced the pits of despair. What a beautiful picture.
Jesus illustrates this concept beautifully in John 16: 21. Jesus says, “When a woman is giving birth, she sorrow because her hour has come, but when she has delivered the baby, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world.” I think what Jesus means is that during suffering we are not always able to see the beauty that will result. When we, like the woman giving birth, are in pain and feel like the pain will never end, we have a hard time seeing the fruit of our hardships. But, we are reminded in Romans 8:28 that God will work all things together for the good of those who love Him.
I have wanted to write this blog for a while, but I never knew how to begin to put it together. It is such a big concept. I don’t think we will ever truly understand suffering in this world, especially when the suffering is like that of Job.
I have been fortunate: I have a family that loves and supports me, we are not poor or destitute, we are not persecuted, but I feel like I am inclined to feel the depths of suffering in my life—like I feel it deeper. I never understood this before this month. I never grasped why things hurt so much. I think God is beginning to reveal to me the purpose of those emotions in my life. He has given them to me as a gift so I can empathize with those who are orphaned, those who are poor and destitute, and those who are persecuted. Instead of hiding my heart away from these feelings and denying the gift the Lord has given me, I need to embrace them, even if that means ugly-cry/laughing in a taxi in Nepal. Without allowing myself to feel the pain in the valley, I cannot experience or share a heart full of love from the Lord nor the joy in the promises of the mountaintop.
