If you know me, you might know that I have a tattoo on my left wrist that reads, “Love.” Some may not know that little tidbit, as I generally wear a watch. I don’t normally tell people about it, so if you don’t know, no worries.
My tattoo formed out of a rough period I had in high school. I had messed up badly and as a result, was bullied for my actions. It was difficult for me because I felt like I deserved it, but at the same time, I knew I was not perfect—would never be perfect—and that I had made a mistake for which I was truly, deeply sorry.
In order to deal with the taunts and the emotional pain within from disappointment in myself, I started writing the word “love” on my wrist. I wrote it in the morning to remind myself that no matter what I went through that day that love always wins.
At the time, I was religious, but I would not say I had a deep relationship with Christ. What I mean is that I knew I believed in Jesus and God and I knew I was a Christian, I just didn’t know what it meant to be in a relationship with God—to know Him and have Him know me.
As the days went by, I learned to rely on God. I felt alone often. Many of the people I had hurt were my own close friends. I was alienated from my group. Instead of relying on friends for support and comfort, I had to turn to the only one who knew what I did, how truly sorry I was for it, and despite all of that, still loved me.
I don’t think I realized at the time what God was doing in my life and definitely didn’t appreciate the hardship, but now, as a more mature young adult, I realize that God used that tough season in my life to bring me closer to Him. God used that cut to heal me, and by healing me, helping me to realize that God is Love and that Love has conquered all.
Despite learning that important lesson, I still didn’t understand what it meant to truly love God and rest in His love for myself. I still struggled (and sometimes still today) with feelings of inadequacy and distance from God. I wondered to myself, “I know I love God, but how can people be in love with God?”
As my relationship with God continued to grow, I felt closer to Him, but that question still bugged me. I just didn’t understand what it meant to be in love with God.
Until one day recently, while worshiping at church, He showed me. God gave me this mental image: you know that song “Cinderella” by Steven Curtis Chapman?—that! God loves me like that…except more! I saw this image of myself, dressed in the most beautiful ball gown and invited to Jesus’ royal ball. Little ol’ me—nothing special, definitely not royalty, and still a little insecure—but Jesus invited me to His ball. We were the only ones there. He took me by the hand, as the perfect gentleman would, and we danced. He held me and I felt so at home. It was like He was the perfect gentleman, the perfect Father, and the perfect servant all the same time.
I’m not sure if that really makes sense to anyone else, but it did for me. And I suppose that is the point—Jesus knows each of us individually. He created our inmost beings, knit us together intimately in our mothers’ wombs, creating us as fearful, yet wonderful creatures (Psalm 139:13-14). So God appeals to each of us differently, showing us exactly what we need to understand His love for us, whatever that may look like.
For me, that vision was it. I finally began to understand the breadth of God’s love for me. I was able to understand not only how God loves me, but how I could be in love with God.
As I open up, and share this with all of you, it is truly difficult for me. I don’t often share my feelings with others, I have a small group of close friends, and even then, I only tell a very small group of those friends my true feelings. This whole blog thing is definitely out of my comfort zone—it’s like a mass public diary that I am voluntarily sharing via the Internet.
So I just ask that as you begin to follow my journey on this race and possibly begin or deepen your own walk with the Lord, that you show love, share love, and know Love.
