It's been 3 years. Three years since the hardest struggle I've faced within myself ended. With the help of a few close friends and Jesus, I started walking out of a struggle I kept hidden from the rest of the world–I was dealing with bulimia and lived with overwhelming shame, guilt, and depression. I was more hopeless than I'd ever been in my whole life. I would look in the mirror and see someone I had never known before. I believed the father of lies that it was better to stay hidden from the rest of the world than to admit what was going on.
[After all, I was the youth group all star, bible college attending Christian that knew better than to treat my body that way. I shouldn't be struggling with this.]
During the thick of it, I had one friend who knew what was going on. How dare I tell anyone and lose my carefully carved reputation? That would cost my pride too much to admit that I was battling a secret life.
And to put it point blank, I was living in the depths of such pain that I began to question my faith and I didn't like going to church. I had stopped feeling the god I once knew and loved. I could not comprehend in my mind how to be in the presence of God, who claimed he loved me and made me in his image, yet still feel so hopeless and unworthy of that sort of love. But I would continue to go to church. Now looking back I believe I was holding onto the hem of Jesus' garment the whole time. Or better yet, he was holding tightly to my fingers that I thought were slipping away.
The darkness continued until my one friend who knew at the time, April, realized I was stuck and since I had no intentions of getting unstuck, told me I should go to counseling. I was taken back because of the preconceived notion that only people that were really struggling needed counseling and what I was dealing with wasn't a big deal…right?
Funny how Satan can warp truth so much in our minds that we can't even realize it when it's spoken directly at us.
I drug my feet [literally and figuratively] the whole way into that office, not knowing the life and freedom that I would find in the months to come.
Similar to when you push a beach ball down in water and it pops up in a different place than you originally pushed it down, I had suppressed so much of my past that the pain had popped up in places I had never intended for it to go–in how I treated my family, my closest friends, and how I viewed myself and God.
Freedom didn't come immediately, but it slowly made its way into my life. I started to heal and see myself with new eyes. I started to feel God again and over the past three years he has shown me that He never leaves his children. Jesus peeled away the layers of shame that I had held onto for so long.
I had no idea that three years would pass and I would be across the world serving the God I was convinced had forgotten about me. I have started grasping what redemption really looks like because I've witnessed it in my own life. This will always be apart of my story but now God is writing me a new story. One full of restoration, grace, and a new found hope.
Our Father cares so deeply for us. His promises are always true. Walking hand in hand with Jesus who never leaves us is such a beautiful thing. Resting in his grace and truth is the best place I can think of to be.
God can heal the secret places of our lives. The God I now know and love never let's go, even if there are times that it feels like we are slipping away. I don't have to question my value any longer. Jesus settled that when he died on the cross. In fact, I've been adopted into his family and I'm now an heir to His glory. That's the truth I cling to now.
I don't know where you find yourself in life as you read this. You may not be able to see far because of the darkness that has enveloped your life. Maybe you've been able to catch a flicker of light but find it difficult to keep walking. No matter where you are today, freedom in Christ is truly possibly once you are willing to fight the lies. So start today. Tell someone. You're never alone. Finding freedom is worth the fight. I promise.
To April, my life saver–I will never be able to thank you enough for taking my hand and walking through the valleys and peaks and everything else in between with me. You've showed me the true reflection of Jesus day in and day out and my life has been forever altered by having you in it.
To my friends, who for months unknowingly walked with me and have never stopped since–God knew what he was doing when he crossed all our paths. Thank you for never giving up on me and for always fighting for me. You help make this journey lighter.
To my family, who may be reading this for the first time–It's funny how its the hardest to tell these things to are the people who have known us the longest. I pray you read these words with grace and understanding. I love each of you deeply. Thank you for loving me unconditionally.
To anyone else who stumbled upon this story–I hope you can be encouraged to step out of your places of hiding and walk into the light of Jesus. It's honestly the best place to be.
