The things I’m writing about are things I’m still working through. Maybe I’ll have a new understanding once I’ve worked through more. It’s something I’ve observed in my life lately, and I think there’s too much there for me to just dismiss it.
I’ve noticed that I’m exhausted. I know, not surprising since I’m in month 10 of an 11 month mission trip. However, it’s more than that. I’ve noticed that above all else, the thing that’s wearing me out the most is from doing and doing and doing and not living in who I am…not just “being”. There’s a reason for that. I would like to be something more than what I already am. Hope you’re with me so far!
When I went to training camp 358 days ago, I was excited to be a part of something so incredible and not have a specific role or responsibility. That changed at the end of training camp when I became a team leader and again in April when I became a squad leader. Those have been incredible opportunities, and I know that’s part of what the Lord had for me this year. 
I’m so thankful and would never trade what this year has been. However, when my roles changed and my responsibilities increased, the attention I gave to those responsibilities increased, and there was much more to do. That’s what I’ve been struggling with. There have been amazing opportunities to serve, teach, minister, and love, and I have been doing all those things. However, that’s the problem and also what’s wearing me out. I’ve found that my actions, at times, have come from a place of responsibility more than from a place of authenticity. They’ve come from a place of “well, this is what a squad leader does” rather than from desiring to do anything and everything for the squad because that’s just who I am. It’s as if who I am right now doesn’t completely match up with who I think I should be in a particular role. It gets tricky though because who I think I should be is likely where the Lord is leading me, and I’m trying to be who I should be through “doing”. Hope that makes sense. Basically, I know the Lord is taking me places, and I try to “do” things as if I’m already there.
I’m not sure how this process works. Maybe you can relate. If you do things enough times, does it become who you are? Do you convince yourself or train yourself that what you do is who you are? I would think there would be a significant disconnect between your heart and your actions. Does doing things enough times eventually activate something to make you become what you’re trying to be or does it just consistently make you feel fake? Answering “yes” to any of those questions seems ridiculous to me, but maybe I’m wrong. I don’t think you can do things repeatedly to change who you are. It might change who others think you are but not who you are.
That life sounds exhausting. It seems like a life where you probably feel like you’re faking it. I feel like that sometimes…although there have been countless times when I’ve genuinely operated from a place of authenticity. For me, these thoughts are bigger than just something I’m going through this year. This kind of stuff can happen in your job. It can be a part of marriage, and it can be a part of your faith. How many times do we do things only because it’s our responsibility or because we’re supposed to. People notice it too. It doesn’t look or feel authentic. There is no life in it. I feel like that happens in Christianity all the time. There has to be something wrong there!
There is definitely a difference between doing and being. Maybe that’s why I’ve started thinking about it the most this year. I see people on this squad who are living life in who they are and who they were created to be. They are full of life, and it’s authentic! There is such a huge contrast in who they are…the contrast is life and death. It’s the Holy Spirit living inside of them and bringing them to life. Living out who you are is full of life and is life giving to others. It’s selfless, encouraging, loving, peaceful, joyful, fiery, and passionate. It’s natural, and it’s the work of the Holy Spirit. Jesus, when talking about the Holy Spirit, said in John 7:37&38, “If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within them”. It doesn’t exhaust you since it’s not an effort to just live out who you are as opposed to it taking great effort to try to live out something that you’re not.
Have you seen “The Legend of Bagger Vance”? In the movie Will Smith (Bagger) is a golf caddie for Matt Damon (Rannulph Junuh), who has “lost his swing” after returning home from WWI with tons of emotional baggage. The movie is about Bagger helping Junuh remember who he was and find his swing. At one point in the movie, they are out on the course and Junuh has no idea what shot to play. He is starting to remember who he is and get his swing back so he has some options as far as what club to choose and how to play the shot. However, Bagger starts talking to him again about finding his swing…his perfect and authentic swing. In the midst of the craziness that is his past and the huge tournament that they’re playing in, there is still a perfect swing hidden somewhere in there that is uniquely his and only his. It was a swing he was born with and that nobody can duplicate. In that moment, it’s not about his past, the tournament, or even the game of golf. It’s about finding HIS swing…a swing that makes people stop and stare in awe. There are some parallels there to what I’m talking about. The bigger picture is where your identity is, but my thoughts lately have been more focused on what Bagger was talking about…finding the swing that is uniquely yours and only yours. The one where it’s not something that you practice (“doing”), it’s something that just happens because it’s awkward and annoying to swing it any other way (“being”).
So, what do you do if you know you’re not being who you are, and you know you’re trying to “do” what you want to “be”? If it is true that life flows through the Holy Spirit, your true identity is in Christ, and God created you uniquely you, then I think we have our answer. God can change your life. If you are becoming more like Christ, then you are also becoming more of the person you were created to be. If the Holy Spirit is living in you and flowing out of you, then you will be fully alive, and it will be contagious. 
It becomes the opposite of what we often experience. Instead of it being exhausting to love and lead others to freedom and transformation, it becomes exhausting NOT to!! Doing those things becomes easy. It’s not “doing” at all anymore, it’s “being”. It’s natural. It’s who they are because they’ve walked through the crap in their lives being led by the Spirit of God who Christ said would come after he left, and he did come. And he’s still here. Just as Christ wanted freedom in the lives of his followers, his Holy Spirit wants the same. Christ lived, died, and was resurrected so that we might live in freedom and have life abundantly. The Holy Spirit is actively pursuing those same things in us. Why is it so important? Again, it’s the difference between life and death.
Anyway, those are some of the thoughts I’ve been having lately. Of course, I wish I could be speaking about this after having completely walked through it. Holy Spirit, I trust you’ll lead me there soon. Hopefully you found some value in it. It seems to be a road worth walking down, and I’d love to hear some wisdom from you if you’re further down this road than I am. Love you all!!
