I wrote this blog in the beginning of Rwanda….
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So…I’m sitting here in the Kigali International Airport in Rwanda, drinking a cup of coffee, staring at my bible sitting across the table. It’s within reaching distance. However, something in me lately has failed to find it worth reading. Instead, I find “Freestyle Friday” on BET, which is awkwardly playing on the coffee shop T.V., to be more worthy of my attention at this moment. Is that weird for a missionary to say?
This is our contacts house. 14 racers stayed here! Some people had to camp outside. Not exactly an introverts paradise.
The reality is…God feels closer than He’s ever been in my life, but he stands at a distance. Does that make any sense? I feel like those involved in the mystery of a pursuit of Christ might understand a bit.
And I’m not the only one.
This month is so strange to me. Rwanda is so stinkin awesome! So incredible. My heart is happy here. I’m eating great food and sleeping every night on a double-bed, the church community we are serving here is incredible and they love us, and it’s beautiful here and everyday has been an adventure! Worship here reminds of a ridiculous dance party, and it is almost every night! It’s so fun! People actually stop and stare on the dirt road outside of church because of what is going on inside. It’s dancing; it’s fellowship; it’s children running around outside and playing; it’s a club beat and a piano accompaniment blaring loudly for the whole neighborhood to hear; it’s Rwandan men and women singing loudly; it’s the pounding of native drums (#welshlyarmshotel #somepeopleknow); and it’s pretty cool. Then, we get up and preach. Then, it’s over, and people have to get kicked out. It’s so great. It’s Undignified.
This is the church. We were made church members and Rwandans the first night.
However, in all this joy, in all this beauty, in all this freedom, there is still a nagging in me. I woke up this morning with it again. My heart is in awe and in love with Rwanda, but it is like my soul refuses to be comfortable here. So, I’m sitting here in the Kigali International Airport in Rwanda drinking a cup of coffee in an effort to stir my soul towards Him, my true comfort and the source of peace.
The reality is that I can find comforts all over the world. The world loves coffee, it loves Wi-Fi, it loves air-conditioning, it loves soda, and strangely…it loves America. I can find home anywhere; or, at least its comforts. A lot of us doing ministry together this month, including myself, have felt this nagging to really begin abandonment. What I mean by that is giving up the little things that give us comforts like sugar, caffeine, Facebook, in an effort to get more of God and His comfort. This is what it looks like in my own life: if I give this up, then God HAS to give me more of Himself. Basically, if I do this, then God does that for me. For me, it becomes this effort to control God and explain the nagging away. Oh legalism. I always do that!
The red dirt road that our team would take to get to a sister church across town. It was a doozie when it rained…which was almost everyday.
What I’m realizing is that God is just distant, and my burning passion for His presence has no outlet, so I’ll try anything to earn his smile so he will again be near. I’ve let my hope fail, and His command to be still and wait on Him is just falling deaf on my ears. I want it now!
"Peace in the Process."
Again, He speaks it to me.
"I began a good work in you and I will be faithful to finish it. I am faithful, I will surely do it."
Again, I realize I am dust by myself, even in my own sanctification. I forget that God is not calling me to abandon things, but abandon myself. I am a living sacrifice by His incredible mercies. This is my true worship! Give Him everything you are Austin.
Here lies the nagging.
Everything in me wants this, to give Him all of me at every moment, but all that God has redeemed inside me is encased by this fleshly body of mine. I’m selfish. I can’t beat it, I can’t contain it, I can’t control it, and most of the time I don’t even know what my flesh is doing! It pains me! It goes against all I want and desire, and according to Paul in Romans 7, it is the dilemma of every soul tied to Christ. It’s actually my assurance that I’m alive. The ache is the longing placed inside of my heart by God to lead me into deeper waters of hope. I am realizing that the nagging has a remedy, and from this imprisonment in this body I have a rescuer: Jesus Christ, the manifestation of Gods great love for me. He. Is. Hope.
"Wait. Be Still. One day, all that is mine will be yours. Amen."
You see, I asked God to make me fearless. That nothing in this world would stop me from living His beautiful, love-inspired will all the days of my life. His answer: Hope. If I can grasp that this world is not my true home, that my inheritance is really waiting for me in heaven, and that God really is with me and taking care of everything; then, fear becomes a lie, death becomes freedom, and the world becomes a big playground. Whoa.
We spent a day at the genocide museum. It's hard to believe the very streets we walked we're littered with dead bodies 19 years ago.
The ache in me at the present moment is not meant to be numbed by comfort or sacrificing comfort. It is meant to burn on like a fire into a hope which transforms us into fearless Sons and Daughters of the Kingdom!
A glorious nagging.
