Fear and hurt. These are the two things that I have been thinking about so much lately. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything else. Lately I keep sitting down to think about and write our blogging assignment, but I just can’t seem to do it. The only thing I want to write about is what I have been feeling, so that’s what I’m going to do.
One of my closest friends stayed at my house the other night and since we hadn’t seen each other in a few months we stayed up late talking. (probably not a great idea since my first day of work was the next day….oh well!) One thing we kept talking about was how we are suppose to help people when they feel pain. Whether it be hurt from a recent break-up, pain from a loved one dying, or feeling betrayed, how do you help someone who feels that deep sense of hurt? I don’t really have an answer and I can’t say that I’ve come to any conclusion, but I just want to know how to help and love people. The hard thing is that when people feel deep pain I feel like I take that pain on myself, and I’m sure others do as well. I don’t know how to not feel the pain with them. It’s really frustrating knowing that you can’t make someone feel better and you feeling bad cause you can’t help.
Another thing that has been on my mind is fear. I am so terrified to do the Race. I feel that I have been called to it and I know God wouldn’t call me to something that I can’t do with His help. I just keep thinking about the fact that I am going to have to be so open and vulnerable with the people on my team and that is something I have trouble doing. Just writing all this down is hard for me, because I know people are going to read it and know how I’m feeling. One of the things I really think God helped me to realize the other night when I was thinking about the Race is that each and every one of us who are coming into the Race have insecurities. Mine may be completely different than other people’s but we are all going to struggle with something. I think a lot of time the fear that I have makes me feel like I am alone in my fears. God really helped me to realize that I’m not alone. We are all going to go to training with fear and anxiety and we are all going to go out on this Race with fears.
I guess it’s what we do with our fear and our hurt that matters. I tend to keep mine inside even though I know I just need to give it to God. Sometimes I feel like I am making life so much harder for myself. I get the feeling that in all actuality life is pretty easy, but I make it hard by not trusting God and relying on him fully. So, I know in my head what I need to do with my hurt and fear, it’s just a matter of transferring that to my heart.
“But now, this is what the LORD says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.”
Isaiah 43:1
