Last night I was listening to Ben Rector while trying to fall asleep after a long day of not feeling well. As I listened my whole being was flooded with memories of the life I lived in the fall of 2012.
I woke up before the sun, dressed in a polo and khakis, grabbed some coffee, and went to pick up my kids. I drove 3 teenage boys to a school in Tulsa, which was an hour drive. I’d drop them off then have an hour to kill before work. I’d head to Panera and order a cinnamon crunch bagel and drink hazelnut coffee, read my Bible, then head to our office. At that time I worked at a psychiatric hospital. I loved that job. The mornings started out quiet when I arrived, but would liven up quickly. Sometimes things would run smoothly and sometimes they would begin in pure chaos.
It’s amazing that listening to one song brought back all of these memories. The feeling of the crisp fall air and even how my fingers would get sticky from eating that delicious bagel.
I wish I was back there now. Things were simple, even though they didn’t seem that way at the time.
I am different now. Because when I look back on that period of life I’d like to think I’d have a completely different attitude toward everything. I’d pray a heck of a lot more and I’d enjoy just the little things. Like getting to drive my own car and having a “regular” order at a place I frequent. Having a relationship with my coworkers. But one that was deeper and more meaningful. One where we challenged each other spiritually and were brutally honest with each other.
And I’d do more with my evenings. Get involved with things or spend more quality time with my family and friends. I’d actually invest in the people around me instead of just existing with them.
Just a few weeks ago I was challenged with the thought of “if I went home right now would I really be any different than when I left?” My answer then was I feel like I’ve learned a lot, but my actual lifestyle wouldn’t look much different.
I’m starting to realize, though, that I have changed/am changing.
I long for those days of old and think to myself I could do that forever. It’s comfortable. At least in it’s own way.
But I’ve always desired the unknown and spontaneous. That’s why I’m out here, isn’t it?
But right now my soul longs for the familiar. For the routine.
What am I saying?
But the more I think about it, really what I yearn for is the simplicity that can come with routine. Not having to make big decisions and just coasting. Being comfortable.
But when I lived that way I yearned for the simplicity of a life of spontaneity. Taking whatever came my way and just going with it. There’s freedom in that life.
Why do I feel like it has to be one way or the other? Familiarity and comfort or spontaneity and freedom?
Maybe these feelings I long for are just covering a void that can only be filled by truth. These feelings evoke emotions and emotions are always changing. Evolving and often revolving around circumstance. I don’t want to live controlled by emotion. Rather I want to live driven by passion. Passion is constant. It’s unwavering and steadfast.
Jesus.
He is passion. He is the truth that should fill the void I try to cover up with emotion.
Think about it.
He is comfort. He is familiarity. He is spontaneous. He is freedom.
He is all of these things and so much more if we’ll let Him be.
So why is it when I’m at home I desire to live a crazy life of adventure, but after being out in the world and living the adventure for only a few months I want the familiar routine lifestyle of home?
It’s because in both those scenarios it was always about me and my emotions. The more I think about it, it’s always been about me.
Oops.
Jesus was with me at home as I sat in the kitchen drinking my coffee. And Jesus is with me now as I lay here sick in the basement of our Indian home.
How did I miss it?
At the beginning of our time here in Hyderabad I prayed to be broken. I realized I try to do everything on my own, all the time. And I don’t want that life. I want the life Jesus called me to. Called us to. I want to rest in His familiarity and trust He is safe. Even if/when He calls me to spontaneous adventures around the world.
And I always have to remember it’s not about me. I’ve never about me.
Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
It’s all about Him.
He is my passion. He will not change even though my emotions and circumstances often do.
