20 Days…It seems as if every next step in this pre-race journey seems to strengthen the fact that much more; I am going on the Race.
My next “next step”: My official Launch Date is September 6th!
I have bought my plane ticket to launch. In just 20 days I will say that ‘See you later’ to my family and California life, and a ‘Hello’ to the 45 family members I have gained through L Squad (seriously, if you haven’t checked out my squad yet…please go read their blogs. Some pretty cool dancin, laughin, praisin, Squad Wars winnin humans!)
This entire thing is insane. It is so hard to explain this journey when the unknown seems to be so immense, expectations are encouraged to be kept minimal, and fear, doubt, anxiety and uncertainty have been so overwhelming. Talking about this chapter is difficult. I keep attempting to prove this journey to people, convinced that by doing so I myself was proved adequate. So I struggled..I still struggle. How do I prove adequacy for a journey like this to anyone when half the time I can hardly convince myself that I am worthy to be a part of it? I know I have this entire mental standpoint wrong; still, I struggle.
The Lord is asking me to come on this journey with him in such a comforting manner. Jesus, who died so I may live, still stands to offer more: A life super-sized, super-charged, and in abundance with Him. All He wants me to do is say ‘Yes’. He has been weaving this journey into my heart far before I had the slightest inclination or knowledge of the World Race. For me to feel I need to prove His understanding of this journey is quite honestly, ridiculous and an impossible task. He has not saw it fit to have me here because I am so prepared to be a missionary, or because I’ve got scripture memorized, or because I am going to be good at living out of a backpack and in a tent for 11-months. I am far too inadequate for the World Race on most criteria searches…except His.
“Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” Exodus 4:11-12
So here I am, 20 days out from the World Race and feeling absolutely inadequate. Yet I am with a knowing that my Father has me exactly where he wants me to be. There is so, so much comfort in that. When The Lord calls you, he equips you. Not only does he equip you, but he qualifies you in every way necessary. God uses men who are weak and feeble enough to lean on him. It takes trust. Trust in his understanding of his purposed plans…his plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future [Jeremiah 29:11].
It is beautiful to think that this kind of time and affection could be put into me, nearly impossible to believe actually. This time last year, I didn’t care to pursue a relationship with God, nor did I care to acknowledge His pursuit after me. I was content with him in that box on the shelf I thought I had left him in. Still, after that, he is not asking me to prove myself, to tell him why I deserve this, to prepare a 30 minute presentation and list out the reasons why he should let me into the ‘Jesus is My Homie’ club. I do not need to make excuses or lie about my inadequacies or mistakes. God offers grace as a gift to us; it is but our choice to accept it…
All He desires is for me to say ‘yes’ to walking this walk with him because he has something good he has been waiting to show me….and I can’t wait!
Thank you <3
