Since being accepted to the World Race, I couldn’t tell you how many times I have been asked this question. So I thought I would begin my first blog with a bit of truth, and the answer to this question.
I am T e r r i f i e d.
Completely, spider crawling on my arm, terrified. The application process was amazing. Talking to friends and family on what I “planned” to do after graduation was wild! I had this journey I was nudged to seek, and I could hardly contain sharing that with anyone that would take a moment to listen. Traveling to 11 countries in 11 months to serve the people of these nations- It lit my heart on fire.
Then I was accepted….
What I had held in my heart for the past year, what I had dreamt about, what I had blog stalked 100’s of racers about (not an exaggeration), what I was sure I was called to, well- it was going to happen, it was real life. I signed my life away to leave everything. That began to scare me.
I have spent my entire life planning and preparing for my “next move”. My next move to play college basketball, my next move to move out of my parents home, my next move to move back into my parents home (yes, mom & dad- insert “We told her so.” here), my next move to win that special someone’s heart over, my next move to be a business owner, my next move to be an actress. The moves are countless, and I could go on forever, and while sometimes half-baked, and none that can compare to the WR in my opinion, my life has consisted of a series of these next move projects. Ideas I formulated and was able to craft into an appealing master plan for my agenda. It all gave me a sense of control. I enjoyed that.
How do I craft this Race?!
I can’t make it into anything its not, because it will be everything and then some that I never thought. I can’t make a list of expectations and carry it around in my back pocket for a year to check off one by one. I can’t make promises to my family and friends about when and how often we will communicate. I can’t do any of it, and that terrifies me. It all seems so unbelievably out of my control, and that terrifies me. I am even terrified that I am terrified- is that possible?
Would I be afraid if this was really my calling? Are these selfish desires I am seeking to fulfill? “Is this another half-baked plan, Asia?” Slapped with this confusion and uncertainty has lead to many restless nights this past month. But my Father is not a man of confusion. These thoughts are not of Him, and this doubt is not of Him. They are an attempt to expose insecurities in myself that He only desires to fulfill.
The enemy shouts to my thoughts, The Truth whispers to my heart…
Being afraid is a part of who we are. All of us, yes e v e r y o n e, at some point will do something we are afraid of – and that truly is such a good thing. “Wait, what?! But you said…” I know, I know..hear me out. Good because these experiences teach us important lessons about being human and they teach us about our life with God. “So I am suppose to be afraid of these expereinces?!”….h e a r m e o u t.
First, when we do things that we are afraid of we learn that courage is not the same thing as the absence of fear, but acting in spite of that fear. That is the definition of courage. Acting, even when you are afraid, is something we all have to do on our personal walk.
Second, after we do something that frightens us the first time, the second time is never as hard. The third time is even easier. And the fourth time, it’s pretty much a piece of Funfetti cake at the party! Like running suicides at basketball practice…. on second thought, this is the exception to the rule; suicides are never a piece of Funfetti cake.
All this brings us to the third thing we learn. Avoiding risky situations at all costs will never work. The problem with that is, no one has that much control over life, and these moments of risk are when we truly feel most alive.
Have you ever seen a kid go over a skateboard ramp for the first time? Or watched a game-winning jump shot beat the buzzer? You’ll find them screaming in celebration. Why? Because they feel so alive! Because they did it! When we try things that seem daunting, our lives actually become more full and vibrant.
How does all of this factor in together?
It is easy to get stuck attempting to integrate life with faith. This walk of commitment is, in some areas, very new for me, and it doesn’t always align with the life I have lead for many years. One of the reasons I am learning that our life with God gets stagnant is because we stop taking Jesus’ invitation to live risky, courageous lives. We stop trying to do the things we’re called to because they seem too scary. Because they terrify us.
So I accept this fear…
I can’t seem to craft this World Race. The World Race is scary. Leaving my family, friends, and California is scary. Integrating my life and faith by immersion is scary. But it is not my time to exercise my craftiness. I can’t dictate my every move and choice like a project. I can’t do that now, not on the race, not ever. I have an open invitation to live risky, and I can’t expect to fully understand this. But it is not for me to fully grasp right now; it is for me to go. So, I muster up all of my courage in spite of my fears, I rest on my trust in Him. My next move is not to remain stagnate in my fears; but to move to the beat of this heart whispered drum. It’s time for me to listen; it is time for me to go.
“Go, I am with you. Go.”
So, I ask you this: What has terrified you lately?
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Proverbs 3:5-6
