I am good at being open, usually. I can say how I am feeling, tell you about my past experiences, and I am fine. But then again, I guess we all have something that hurts so bad that we just hide it inside and run away from the feelings. Ugh.
I am almost sick thinking about it all right now but today, it has hit me full on and for the first time in 7 years. For those 7 years, I hid from it and never realized how much of an effect it has on me.
So I told the story once about a minister who hated the 15 year old me. I don't remember the details I gave, other than I didn't feel like I was loved. I didn't feel like I was ever good enough to be included in the kingdom. And up until today, I thought I had rid myself of those feelings of not being good enough.
But they hit me like a train today.
When I got denied communion by a religious leader, it hurt. And I ran away from God because in my mind I saw her as God. Looking back at that, it was silly to think that but for me, it was as if God didn't like me either.
So to this day, I struggle with feeling loved by God. I struggle with having the knowledge that I am good enough to be a part of the kingdom. I didn't realize that this was a struggle until this afternoon.
Do you remember the blog where I talked about conflict and talked about being in hairy situations with some of my squadmates? Well… those feelings that I shared were not exactly honest. Only because I wasn't being honest with myself.
I claimed that the reason I was upset was because I pretty much felt that I was right and everyone else was wrong… But that's not it at all. I fear that those feelings, make other people believe that I am not good enough and that is a direct reflection of how God feels too.
I wish it was easy to say that others opinions shouldn't matter to me but they do. I pray that I will be able to find an open and honest community that will love me for who I am. When I feel like I am being attacked on my spiritual beliefs, I feel as though I am that 15 year old girl again. Who isn't good enough and who will never be good enough.
So i fight back, I say things I shouldn't say to hide all that emotion. If I can say I am just mad because someone is an ignorant fool then I can ignore everything else going on inside my head. I can ignore that my heart just got shattered into a million pieces because it took me back to a dark place. A place that I haven't dealt with yet because I didn't even know it needed to be dealt with.
I can still remember that day of being 'denied' communion, hauntingly well. I can feel the rage, the anger, and the hurt billowing inside me as I told others of what had taken place. I can feel the feeling of losing so much faith, right then and there. I had never felt, nor have I ever felt, more hurt then I did in that moment. Because in that moment, I was denied access to the kingdom because I wasn't good enough.
I am methodist, nobody gets denied. I was taught that throughout my life but I got denied. Out of everyone that had ever been served communion, I felt that I was the only one who wasn't good enough to be there. The one person in the whole world that God didn't love enough to share in that moment with.
when I get attacked on not believing the right thing by people that in my mind are great people of God, I just become so broken. I feel as though, I am standing there waiting for my bread and it's never going to come. That once again, I am 15 years old and that God doesn't love me.
So that is where I am today, struggling with these feelings of being hurt in the past. I know that nobody ever meant to break my heart and that their words never meant to have the sting that they did. So please, don't take this as me trying to make you feel guilty because I should have been upfront and honest. And I am not saying that you can't talk to me about how you feel about some biblical questions because I still love those conversations but I just ask that you do it in a loving environment. That you do it after you get to know me a little better, that you do it after I know that you love me.
I hope this gives you all some insight on things. I just ask that you please pray for a forgiving heart for me because until I can forgive, I don't think that I will ever be able to move forward. And pray that when I am questioned, that it can make my faith stronger, not weaker.
