So I did it.. I came back to school. After so much debate, prayer, and worry I made a decision. On Friday morning, I woke up and told my mom my final decision, packed my bags, and came back. Talk about waiting until the last minute to make a decision.
For some reason, with this decision I couldn't hear God's voice. I couldn't hear what he wanted me to do. There was no gut feelings, no right or wrong answers, nothing. Just silence. I would pray and I would hear silence. I found myself asking where is the God that catches bushes on fire? And where was His voice that I had heard so easily when He really wanted me to do something? Where was that God?
I had to make a decision and just trust that God was going to take care of me no matter where I went. That each place was going to have good days and bad days and that in the end the pros and cons list came out even. There was no good choice and there was no bad choice, just a choice.
Really what I wanted, was for someone to make the choice for me. Someone to take the blame if everything turned out badly. And that if I ended up somewhere I wasn't supposed to be, I would have a scapegoat or at the very least, if I hurt someone with my decision, they could blame somebody else.
Decisions are hard for me, from what restaurant to eat at, to which way is the best route to a new location, I can't make them. I let someone else take charge, make the plan. I am go with a flow to a fault. Usually, my lack of decison making skills are just because I don't want to hurt anyone or have someone not like the place that I pick out to eat. I am content anywhere.
So I made a big girl decision and I came back. Nobody made it for me, not even God. He wasn't even going to let me make Him my scapegoat this time around.
Tonight, I can hear Him clearly though… (Funny how He does that sometimes)
"Ashlie, I just wanted you to make a decison. I just wanted you take responsibility and take control of your life. I wanted you to start to grow up. To start to become the beautiful daughter that I created you to be. How can you expect to help lead nations, if you can't lead yourself in a simple choice? But you did it, you made the decision. And it wasn't so hard after all. Don't worry, there was no wrong choice. I'm going to take care of you right there where you are and wherever you end up going. So lets start doing this more often, make more decisions, and don't be so afraid of it all. I've got you and you're going to be ok."
Tonight, I feel at peace with my decision. I feel at peace knowing that I am watched and loved. And that God's silence wasn't a cruel joke, it had a purpose. I am happy that He is making me into the beautiful daughter of His that i have been running away from because it's not always easy. Overall, tonight I am just happy that I am where I am.
