Lately, I've been struggling so much with one aspect of this trip… everyone elses fundraising. I've been praying and praying for God to make me happy for my squadmates, to make their successes my successes. I want that more than anything…. I want their posts on being 50% funded to make me jump for joy and for me to feel just as happy as they are.
But instead, I just feel envious.
My fundraising is going more slowly, my goals are not being met and it's so discouraging some days. I just want to know what their secret is to this magical fundraising. While they are seeing how good God is, I am struggling and seeing how good I am not.
People get money, I feel down about my own goals, I feel guilty about not being happy for their victories, and then I feel like I am not a good enough Christian for not being happy for them.
I just am so scared that I won't be able to make my deadlines, I am so scared that they're going to go without me, and I am so scared that God isn't going to come through for me like he is for everyone else…. Maybe I am not good enough for Him to take care of me like he is everyone else.
I sound like such a baby when I talk about this but it's how I feel right now.
I wonder to myself, Where are all the people that you should be calling to send me, God? Where are they, God? Why aren't they giving? Why aren't they doing this more quickly?
And these words just keep running through my head…. Patience. Patience. Patience.
BUT GOD, I am giving up SO much to do this. I don't WANT to wait.
Patience. Patience. Patience.
Psalm 37:7-9.
Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
For those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.
So when will my fundraising come? In His time, not my time.
He will provide. He will take care of me. He loves me. He is calling me to go. He will call people to send me, in His time, in His own way.
Praying that I can remember this as people continue to advance on their fundraising goals. Praying that His will be done, not mine. Praying that I can accept patience in this time.
Patience, patience, patience.
