I didn't want to write about a lot of things that were too personal here on my blog at first but God just wouldn't leave me alone. When I wrote this blog, God was really aggrevating me. He just wouldn't leave me alone. I didn't want to be that real with these people on the internet that I didn't know. Sure, most people in my immediate circle knew the details but sharing it with my squadmates this early in the game made me feel like I'd be labeled as an emotional wreck or a crazy person. But God, he didn't really care because he knew that that blog was going to do big things and that it was going to help me and help others.
So now God is telling me that it's time to get personal again, that it's time to tell the rest of my testimony.
I didn't always believe in God.
I grew up in the church, it was a huge part of my life and then everything crumbled around me. My beautiful church was torn apart and God was nowhere to be found. I didn't understand, I couldn't understand. I carried so much resentment for so many people: the minister, family friends, the members of the church, God. I was 16 years old and my heart was broken because my home was destroyed.
I switched churches, followed my youth minister to his new church. I found a new home there and I found God again in the homeless people we ministered to. I loved the poor, you could see God in their eyes. It was a beautiful thing.
When I left home at 18 to go to college 8 hours away from home, I got lost. I had good friends who took good care of me. I got my heart broken by a silly boy from back home and I continued to run farther and farther away. I reached a point where I just didn't really care anymore. God was stupid to me. I got annoyed by people who would post facebook statuses with bible verses, I thought they were stupid for preaching that. For me, everything that was fun involved some type of sin and that was perfectly fine with me. I just wanted to have fun, enjoy life because YOLO.
So where did God come back in the picture?
That's a good question. There came a point after being raped that I realized the only reason I survived (mentally and physically) was because of something greater than myself. I knew that there was someone out there taking care of me and loving me in the mess I was in.
It wasn't right in that moment that I began to start worshiping God and digging into my bible again but I knew he was there and I knew that there was nothing stupid about this God.
Little by little, inch by inch He got me back.
I finally accepted the love that I had seen growing up and that I had seen on those mission trips as a high schooler. I realized that God, he never left me. I left him and that he had been trying all along to come back into my heart.
I like to consider myself a work in progress and that God really is preparing me to share his love to the "least of these"
But with all of this I am so scared…
I sometimes don't feel like I belong here. I feel as though most people have been doing these crazy Jesus things for so long and that they are so much more spiritually experienced than I am. I know this is where I am supposed to be going but sometimes I feel so inadequate. What if I don't know all the praise songs? I haven't been to a contemporary service since high school (hopefully waves of grace still is on the playlist) and sometimes I don't read my bible everyday and somedays i don't even pray… Life gets busy and I just forget in the shuffle of it all.
However, God has given me the greatest support system so early on. He knew that I'd need help and that I'd need to be loved on. Most days I am simply amazed by the things I am given by him. I'm leaning on him more and more everyday and I can see it shining through in my life.
I used to be envious of people who had no trouble believing in God. Life seemed easier to them. But today… I am finally feeling blessed by my story and I know that it had to be this way for a reason… God's plan always works out and it is always so much bigger than I can see.
Also, I want to thank the people who have told me their stories this week and those who have trusted me with them. Just remember you are not alone.
