But there I was, three years later wondering if I had missed something. It had only been a week or so since Jesus very firmly assured me that I am lovely, yet I stood there still questioning what that even meant. When I first became turned on to the word, I thought it was simple. Although people around me may not understand me, Jesus does and He thinks I’m lovely. Therefore, it mattered not what others thought or said. But now three words seemed to follow me everywhere and eventually haunt me: tender, gentle and kind.
For the first five months on the race, I watched girls be commended for their “gentle spirit” or their “tender words.” You know the ones I’m talking about. Those people who can rip you to shreds with a few simple, sweet words and you never even knew it hurt. In my mind, I began to lump a bunch of adjectives together and believe that I needed to be those things. Graceful, submissive, gentle, kind, tender, quiet, etc. You get the picture… but there was just one problem. I AM NONE OF THOSE THINGS.
I didn’t see them as adverbs I could add to the personality I had been created with. I viewed it something like this:
· Gentle
· Kind
· Submissive
· Weak
· Assertive
· Bold
· Independent
· Strong
Two different lists and one was the opposite of the other. Ya see, I was sold on the idea that God had created me assertive and bold with more strength than most women. And by trying to change those characteristics into their opposites was changing the person I am and I was NOT okay with that.
So there I was. Standing in the middle of a street, between two Filipino families selling varieties of fruit, wondering who I really am and if I’ll ever really figure it out. I realized in that moment that I had been torturing myself and I wouldn’t be able to take much more. Why does it seem like the world around me says that I need to be one way, but everything in me wants to be another? I was torn on the inside – trying to please the world and please myself at the same time and it was driving me mad without recognizing it.
It was time to stop rationalizing things in my mind. I need to talk about this out loud, address the problem, and get to the bottom of it. I need freedom from this little problem of mine.
As much as I didn’t want to admit it, even after believing Jesus when He said I’m Lovely, I still had no idea who I was or how to walk into the identity He had given me.
Okay Jesus, what now?
