I’m so overcome with emotions right now, I’m not entirely sure that words will flow easily or in a way that’s understandable to anyone.
I am in awe. Sheer awe. Of God’s grace. His amazing, unfailing grace. I am in awe of the sheer beauty all around me, in everything. I am in awe of the ordinary miracle of sitting here curled up in my favorite chair, feeling cool air blowing on my back, and breathing. Simple. Breathe in. breathe out. Inhale. Exhale.
I mean really; how does anyone walk through this world and not be moved every single day by the beauty that surrounds us?
God is at work. We are in the midst of a revival. In the midst of a revolution. And, well, ive never felt so alive.
I wish there was a way to express the magnitude of how I feel in this moment. I wish I was eloquent like so many people that I know, or musical so I could write a profound song that grips you in that place beneath your heart where i’m convinced your soul is stored, and just gets to the core of you, and makes you feel these emotions that I’ve got running through me. But I am not. I am just a person; curled up in my favorite chair, wearing a sweater from goodwill. I’m just a person who likes to wander around and laugh at my own jokes, who can never keep track of car keys, cell phone, and wallet, all at the same time. I am not musical, I’m not inspirational, I am the definition of a work – in – progress. But I am cared for. I am a daughter of the King and I have been gifted with an ability.
I’m pretty good at loving. I mean there is just so much to love. It’s simple. That’s the whisper from God I’ve been hearing more than anything else lately. Seek simplicity and love. I think a lot of people think like I used to; that love is this big huge scary thing. LOVE. Yelling at you. In all capital letters. Intense and scary. Like how do I LOVE someone? Don’t LOVE them; love them. Simple. Quiet. Baby steps. I don’t have the brain power, the patience, the skill, or the resources to do a whole lot of things, but I was breathed into existence by the Creator of the world and I was given a soul; so I can love. And that is what he is calling me to do. That is what he has equipped me with the ability to do, because he first loved me.
This past week was training camp for the World Race. It was one of the hardest, most challenging, most rewarding weeks of my life. And if it’s any glimpse of what this next year holds; oh my lanta, hold on cause it’s going to be a wild ride. There was so much sadness, so much hurting, so much grieving and processing, so much exhaustion, but so much laughter and SO much more joy than I am able to process or soak up. My heart is full; it’s at the bursting point. I’d been living through the Lords silence for months now. Praying for his words and his guidance and just learning how to praise him in the hallway until he opened a door. I had so many questions for him about so many things. He was teaching me patience during the silence. Well I heard Him again this past week and I am just overwhelmed with the truth He spoke into me. I can’t even begin to explain it. Maybe that’s what these words are… I have no room in my heart and my soul – I have to let it all out. I can’t just sit here and think about how blessed I am and how grateful I am. I have to let it out. I have to send it out there to someone else. I want every person to understand this feeling, this physical feeling of being overwhelmed by the love and mercy of the Lord; cloaked in such grace. Its like the feeling of opening up the door and stepping out into the beautiful sunshine and cool breeze; ready to take on the day. It’s saving grace.
I’d been living my life with full hands. And the reality is – we can’t fully embrace Christ if our hands are full. My hands were full with work, friends, bills, life, etc. and outside of that they were full of dreams and plans. This past week at training camp my full hands were emptied. My hands were empty and my heart had never been so full. I saw God everywhere – I didn’t have anything to distract me. It was so easy to find him, when I laid everything at his feet at the beginning of the week and just said, “Hey, yo, here I am. Change me. Use me.”
And I stay with that. I’m here God. I have no idea why I’m going on this race other than the fact that you have called me to it and given me this passion to see the lost, found. And I have no idea what is in store for me. But I’m going. Use me. Use this life. I surrender everything to you. My plans my dreams my work my friends my family my hopes my expectations. I lay them all into your hands. Because contrary to me, you can embrace me with full hands. You can embrace me with hands full of weight of the world but also full of grace and blessing and so much love. You can do that. Because you are God. I am single-minded to the point of recklessness, so I am not capable of holding on so fiercely to my life while also clinging to my Father. So I give it all up.
The feeling is taking over, and this time, I’m not fighting it. I am giving in. going where he leads me. No thinking twice about it. There is a whole lot out there, just waiting, inviting me. It’s scary. I’m on a ledge diving headfirst. I can feel it. Rushing in my veins. Adrenaline. Excitement. Anticipation. Life. Christ. Christ is running through my veins, thicker than blood or water.
I alone am not ready, and I alone will never be ready.
But I, with Christ in me, have just one thing to say.
Let’s do this.
Ready, set, go.
My next deadline is quickly approaching; in just 2 weeks. And I still am needing $3,000 in my AIM account plus money for immunizations, last little bit of gear, and spending cash while I’m away. Please prayerfully consider supporting me. Thank you all so much for journeying with me. It means more to me than you can imagine. All for the Kingdom.
