Training camp is approaching… like 2 days approaching. Like I’m currently sitting in Starbucks in Atlanta approaching. After training camp; I go back to Bloomington for not even 1 full week; pack up my apartment; and then I move home for what I consider to be the start of my race. My world race is a 12 month journey.
For those of you who know me and know my home life you might think that I simply had a typo in that first paragraph. But I did not. You heard me correctly. I move home.
And honestly… I’m terrified.
I want to try and explain this situation to you in an easy way.
I haven’t been allowed home for longer than a night or 2 in 5 years. I was homeless for awhile and still wasn’t allowed home. I remember very clearly the night I drove home to find out the locks were changed and my key no longer fit the locks on the doors. I remember driving away from the house that night at about midnight with mixed emotions. I was furious, I was confused, I was deeply deeply hurt, and I had no idea where to go. I was never given a key, therefore I do not have a key to my home. Nor do I know the code to the garage. So I guess all in all, its not really my home anymore; its my parents home.
Now before you go feeling sorry for me or whatever, know that there is a lot more to this story than you know. On both parts. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of. And my family did a lot of things that hurt me; deeply; to the core. And while I will never fully understand what happened to my family and what happened between us and why it can’t seem to be reconciled no matter how hard I try; I know that God remains sovereign in all things.
My father passed away years ago; my mother and I have never really been close… and we didn’t really get any closer after that. My mother remarried and the relationship we had seemed to strain even more. All in all; I did things to hurt her, she did things to hurt me, and this is where we are now.
I love my mother more than I can even begin to explain. I have dreams that our family will somehow patch itself back together and there will be laughter and smiles again. I dream that the rooms won’t be filled with tension anymore and that there won’t be permission needed way far in advance to come and visit. I long for phone calls that last longer than a minute and happen more than once a month. I long for a relationship where we can talk about deep things; matters of the heart; and yes even men. I long for the conversations to be something other than about how I am disappointing and how I need to get my life together. I long for the day that I make my mother proud of me; and I mean really proud of me. And maybe that day will never come; I’m honestly not really sure.
I have hurt so many people throughout my life. Scars that run so deep that I’m not really sure I could even try and heal them. My mother especially is one at the top of this list. I desire so badly for my family to open their eyes and their hearts to see me as I am now. To get a glimpse of my heart. To get to know the person I am now.
“I wish you could see me now I wish I could show you how
I’m not who I was.
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I’m not who I was.”
I’m not that person I was years ago. I haven’t been that person for some time now. I wish so badly that I could show them who I am; that they would see me; get a glimpse of my heart. That they would understand my longing and my calling for missions. That they would be able to share in excitement and joys and concerns with me.
I could be full of so much bitterness at my family for the things they’ve done to me. And honestly; I used to be. And most people in my life find it SO strange that i still long for this heartfelt reunion even after all this time. Most people tell me I need to be guarding my heart and protecting myself from these situations. But those people must not know the power of God. That if God can do a 180 in my life; He can do it in theirs. God can mend. God can piece together. God can do all things. My family is my family. I remember the good times; I remember the great big laughter that filled the house. I remember the days where we sat around the table and shared stories and not a bit of tension or anger or hurt or bitterness filled the air. I remember the times when I believed that unconditional love could come in human form. I will hold onto those times. And I will pray that the Lord will mend my family. I will continue to pray that; because that is a desire of my heart. And if it doesn’t happen; it doesn’t happen; and well that’s okay. But I know it won’t be because I gave up on them. I know that God is God and God remains sovereign in all things. And I know that God holds my family in the palm of his hand.
So I’m moving into my parent’s home.
I have no idea what that will look like. I know that it will be hard. I know that there will be countless conversations about how they “wish I could be just a little bit more _______”. I know that there will be tension. I know that there will be heartache. I know that there will be nights spent in tears. And I know that it is going to all in all be probably one of the hardest months that happen on my race. And I am terrified and nervous and anxious.
But I am also so excited. Because I know that God arranged this. It could only be God who arranged this; because like I said… 5 years… never been allowed home before even in crazy extreme circumstances such as homelessness. And this opportunity came up; I didn’t have to fight for it; I didn’t really even have to ask; it just kind of fell into place… That is the work of the Lord.
So while I am freaking out and I’m going to ask you all for CONSTANT prayers over this next month and a half; I am excited to see what God has up his sleeve. I’m excited to see what challenges and overcoming’s are going to come out of this time. And all in all… I’m excited to get to hug my mother. I’m excited to get to talk to her; hopefully about things that are on my heart. But even if I don’t; I’m just excited I’ll get to be there. In the midst of her. One step closer. You got to crawl before you can walk right?
