January 20th.
There are a few days every year that always seem to hit me pretty hard and this is one of them. This day reminds me just how fragile life really is and how important that stupid little cliché “carpe diem” really is. My heart aches today. I had a heart to heart with my dad today. Goodness gracious I miss him. More than anything.
I’ve felt so lost lately with my life and what I am doing. Not being able to afford college nor having any real direction or desire to move forward with it at this point in my life. Looking at a billion other options. Feeling like I’ve been doing something wrong because I’m not following the “normal time line”. I had been bouncing back and forth with applying for the world race and just the idea of missions in general. I always felt a pull on my heart strings but I kept shutting God out. I kept saying that there will always be next year, I should stay and do this and this and this now and go later. Well I finaly listened to God and applied and was accepted to go on the world race. But today I’ve just been battling the devil who was putting doubts in my mind about whether the world race is what God has planned for me. My fundraising is going so incredibly slow, my teammates are all thousands of dollars in while I am sitting with a mere $495 dollars in my account, and my family and those close to me aren’t all that supportive so I’ve just been second guessing it and my mind was just filled with doubts for a moment. And I don’t know I just felt my dad’s embrace around me in that moment saying to me, “when did you grow up? You’re not my little girl anymore, you’re growing up and you’re going places. Be brave baby girl, find peace today. The devil fears what God has planned for you and through you. Be patient and have faith. I’ve never been more proud of you.” After everything I’ve done in my life, the mistakes I seem to constantly make and the many many times I seem to always fail, just feeling that he is proud of me and trusting in this next step of my journey is reassuring. I just felt this overwhelming feeling and I cried and I laughed all at once.
I mean… When did this happen? In the blink of an eye, I feel like I went from climbing trees in dresses with the boys, scraped knees and living in my bathing suit from May to September, to awkward middle school dances and khaki skirts with shorts sew into them, to sitting outside lockers with amazing friends, to leaving home, to going to college, to the mistakes, to where I am now, sitting on this bed.
You know… this aching in my heart I have today, God gets it. He knows. He knows. He suffered. He faced unbelievable pain. He faced betrayal, a stab in the back brought by a kiss, unbelievable physical pain, hatred, and abandonment. Not only, so my sins are washed away, not only so my eternity in heaven is forever restored, but I think also so that he knows. He understands. So that when I’m laying here on this bed empty and sad, he can sit here with me in silence and say “I know”. He can sit beside me, criss-cross applesauce and say “im here.” So when it hurts so much that I feel it physically, in my heart and in my head and I’m confused and just aching he can hold me and simply say, “it’s okay, I feel it too.” And I am so thankful for that.
So today, yes, I am hurting, like I do every January 20th. But today is a day. Another day to wake up, no matter what time it was, and live and breathe and delight. A day of fresh air, clean water, and hot food.
A day the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad..
Because yes… Today is hard.
But today is beautiful.
Today is glorious.
Today is blessing.
Today is enough.
Today is everything.
