I don't know if anyone will read this… its long.. but i needed to get it out. I need to be transparent.
When most people hear the phrase "March madness" they think of basketball. Other people will use it to describe contest and such going on in the month of March, as well. It has a completely different meaning to me now. This has been the craziest month I have experienced in an extremely long time.
I made some poor choices towards the end of February. Those choices affected me for the next few weeks and will probably continue to for a while. Then I got really sick at the beginning of the month and my spirits were already low and now my immune system was, too. I felt so helpless. I began questioning a lot off my values and beliefs. I think this is good to a certain degree. But, it wasn't healthy for me. Instead of seeking out the Truth I just shut it out completely. Slowly, I was turning into someone I wasn't. I didn't know who I was anymore, but I knew that the reflection in the mirror was not it.
I had pretty much made up my mind that I was no longer going on the race. I said this isn't for me. I need to go to school. I need to start a career. I need to get married. I need to have children. My mind was made up. Those are the things that I always thought I would be doing. But, like i said in my last blog, I am not the average 22 year old. There are so many days where I wish I was.
I fight it. I fight being different. Sometimes, I hate it. I feel like I am missing out. March has been filled with all of these thoughts and more. But, it was madness. Absolutely madness. I am not normal. I may not be spiritually equippped for this, but this is what I need to do. I need to leave this town behind me for a while. I need to go and rediscover who I am, again. I need to rediscover who the Lord is. I have lost sight of Him. WIthout Him, I have no purpose. I am just living for myself. That is what March was. I chose to live for myself. Wrong choice.
So, this day forward, I need to keep my mind focused and my heart in check. This is the most vulnerable I have been in a while. Seriously, I feel like I am going to break at any moment. I am afraid that the Lord doesn't hear me anymore. I have not been pursuing a righteous lifestyle. I just want to know that He hears me. I want Him to know that I'm sorry for being so stupid.
This is a daily battle. I am fighting it daily. I still mess up. I messed up this morning. But, I am working on it. I am ready for the cleansing of the April showers.
