Our beat up red “dinner wagon” rolls up to one of my favorite villages for another feeding. Giant tubs of lugaw (a pourage type dish) are carried down to the basketball court while we all holler “feeding!” into every ally way, hoping to catch the ear of anyone who might be hungry. I trail behind carrying a first aid kit that is quickly running low on supplies. As soon as I stand near the front of the court a sea of eyes desperately seeking healing are studying me. Am I enough?
The first few cases are easy fixes. A few people with sore eye ask for eye drops- I can do eye drops. A few kids come over with some pretty nasty cuts, I whisk them into my lap one by one to clean up their booboos and put a fresh bandaid on. Their tears break my heart, but I can do bandaids. Then a woman approaches me with her daughter who looks miserable and exhausted. “Fever.” She says to me. I try to keep it cool and collected even though I have no idea what to tell her. I’m not a nurse, I’m just the person who grabbed the first aid kit. I ask her if she has any other symptoms, that sounds like a nurse-y question. “No, fever.” I touch her forehead and she’s burning up, I have no idea what to do. I don’t have a fever reducer and even if I did, should I give it to her? What if she’s allergic, or it makes her worse? Why did I grab this first aid kit? I’m not qualified for this. I’m not enough.
I find the question “am I enough?” constantly piercing my mind. It’s in the midst of a hard conversation with a close friend, they’re pouring their heart out to me and I wonder is what I have to offer here enough? It’s at ministry when 20 little kids are screaming at the top of their lungs and one is pulling the other’s hair, and someone has a fist made and is reeling back for the punch, am I enough to release peace into this chaos? It haunts me when I’m thinking about the future and all the dreams God has given me to pursue- big dreams, am I enough to make that happen? I didn’t realize the hold this wondering had on me, until I realized it was rooted in doubt. I am not enough.
Sometimes, I think we zoom in a little more than we need to in life. We focus on the details when we need to take a step back and see the big picture. Here’s what the big picture is: God created the whole universe and all of it’s incomprehensible intricacies. He didn’t see His creation as complete until he created man kind in His own image. Sin entered the world and we needed a savior because our works and sacrifices could never measure up to earn salvation. God, in His great compassion sent His own Son Jesus- God Himself wrapped in human skin- to die a humiliating and excruciating death to atone the sin in our lives, past, present, and future. The sacrifice would have been incomplete if it were not overcome, so Jesus triumphed over all sin and death and rose to life after three days. That is the big picture. What that means for me, and for you is that I’m already reconciled to God through Christ. The battle is won, and my “enough-ness” (yep that’s a word.) has been fought for and decided on since the day I accepted the gift of salvation.
I am enough.
And so are you. There is freedom that resonates with that knowlege. Once you know you’re enough, there’s nothing left to prove. Something shifts when a person who walks in that “enough-ness” picks up something they know they aren’t equipped to do and does it anyway. There’s freedom to make mistakes and ask for help. A person who knows they’re enough also doesn’t shy away from giving more of themselves, because if you know you’re enough, then you know you’ll always have enough. The One who speaks that “enough-ness” over you has an unlimited supply and if He can give through you He’ll keep giving it to you. Whatever that “it” is, time, money, your gifts, a listening ear, a word of encouragement, He will use it for His glory.
He makes us enough so that we can walk in freedom without fear of the future.
He makes us enough so that freedom pours into every area of our lives and breaks chains of bondage and oppression.
He makes us enough so that we can operate from His love and not for it- love like this can never be earned.
Thanks for reading, and following this journey. Please continue to pray and intercede for financial provision. God has brought over $13,000 to write this season’s story on my life, I have no doubt He will usher in the last $2,574. If you would like to give to my “get Ashley home” from wherever we land in the States fund, you can do so via paypal: [email protected]
Love you,
Ash
