“Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24
Goodness these last couple of weeks have been rough. Long days, short nights, unexpected unfortunate events, the legitimate insanity that is fundraising, cancelled plans, impromptu plans, accepting that my car may not ever be clean again, overwhelmed tears, stressed tears, angry tears, hurting tears, ALL THE FREAKING TEARS. I’ve tried embracing the spontaneous spirit of it all, and I inevitably forget everything. I’ve tried planning every last detail and writing my days out hour by hour and then something comes up. I’ve tried and tried and tried some more and somehow I still can’t seem to get this life thing right.
Sometimes when chaos happens and I’m stressed, the little tedious things in life become GIANT and seem literally impossible for me to tackle. I’m supposed to be a soldier ready for battle, but if I’m being honest sometimes I feel like hunkering down in the trenches where it feels safe. The funny thing about hiding out in the trenches is that at some point, you have to get out. There’s going to be a moment when you have to peer out of the muddy hole you dug for yourself and risk getting hit again.
These rough weeks have not been easy on my heart. I’ve been a sassy brat, I’ve been a hot mess, I’ve been a hermit, I’ve been a whiner, I’ve been “so over it” so many times. I haven’t had the time to get cozy with a cup of coffee and pour through scripture because I haven’t made the time. My prayers have been honest, but short. I have felt a distance from God because I put it there.
I try to clean myself up, and make things right and then life gets messy again. I try to eliminate stress on my own because I’m obviously the best one for the job… except I’m not at all. I try to get the mud off of me before I climb out of that nasty trench, only to fall face first into it again. Managing life from the trench is hard, and dirty, and also it smells bad. Sometimes I forget that my relationship with Jesus can not be tainted by the mud. The muddier I get, the harder I am to clean up but my God’s grace is like an overflowing of clean water. It is untamed, has no limits, and requires no work of my own. I may feel too far, or too much of a brat, or too much of a struggle, but God sees a soldier in uniform. He sees my failed attempts at getting out of the trench that is my stress and anxiety and he pulls me out by the power of his own hands. I try wiping away the mud and it smears more and more, covering me completely. I cry out to him and he pours clean water over me and asks me to walk with Him.
He searches me and he knows me. He looks into my heart and my mind, he keeps tabs on my every thought. He understands me completely. He tests my anxious thoughts, he knows the motives behind everything I do. He sees the offensive parts of me. The ugly, the “not cute”, the shameful, the unworthy, and he leads me in the direction that will be present for all eternity. He walks by my side, even when I’m a mud monster. Through the whirlwind of stress and emotions, I’m reminded that on the solid rock of Christ is the only safe place there is. No matter how crazy things get, or how distracted I am, or how unworthy I feel to be in his presence, He still is. Praise Jesus that His involvement and sovereignty over my life is not dependent on my feelings!!
