This blog has been on my heart for a long time now, and I finally have the courage to write it. Six months from today I will be in a different country, with different people, who speak a different language, doing things I’ve likely never done before. My whole world will be so different in 6 months.
My days now are full of serving coffee to regulars who feel like family, laughing with my coworkers who have become my family, spontaneous dates with my favorite sophomore girls, and enjoying time well spent with my friends and family. And in 6 months, my days will not resemble that in any capacity.
Some mornings that realization is so huge that it makes me feel weak in the knees. I am going to be really honest and tell you that some mornings I am terrified. Often, I feel too small to make a difference. Sometimes I feel too insignificant for anyone to care about this dream The Lord has given me. Worst of all I feel ill-equipped in my abilities to serve. Truth be told, I am just a weak sinner who can’t take a single step without Jesus. Trust me, I’ve tried to tip toe on my own and it was not in any way successful. But nevertheless, He comes to get me every time.
I’ve tried to mask my fear by being outwardly secure about how things are going. If you ask me I will tell you every time that “I’m doing great!” and tell you a few things that I have to be thankful for. Trust me, those things are super real, and I am very thankful for them, but if we’re being honest this journey is not a smooth sail.
So this is me telling you that I am scared.
But, guess what? I think that’s not a super weird thing. In fact, I think it might be a little normal because surprise there was even a dude in the Bible who felt the same way!
In Mark 10:17-31 we learn about this rich young ruler who really wants to know what he has to do to inherit eternal life. Jesus says to him, “You know the commandments: Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father and mother.” (v. 19) In the next verse the rich young ruler responds with a declaration that he indeed had kept these commandments since he was young. The story doesn’t stop there, “Jesus looked at him and loved him. ‘One thing you lack.’ he said. ‘Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come follow me.’ At this the man’s face fell. He went away sad because he had great wealth.” (v. 21-22)
Ahh! That’s me! I’m the rich young ruler! My prayer is that The Lord will guide me, that He will lead me, and show me where to go and He answered me. He lead me here, to The World Race and now it’s getting scary! Are you kidding me Lord? You want me to leave grande decaf nonfat no whip no foam 175 degree 3 pump mocha Julie?! You want me to say goodbye to all of my sweet coworkers?! Robert and Anna’s baby girl will be walking and talking when I get home and you want me to miss that?! What about my small group girls? I love them so much, and we’re seeking you Lord, how can I leave them? My baby sister is moving back home and we’ll all be in the same state for a whole 2 weeks and then you want me to get on a plane to the Phillipines?! You can bet your bottom dollar my face fell! I feel that sadness because the wealth that I have in these sweet and precious relationships is very real, and it’s going to hurt to let go for almost a whole year. But that’s not where the story ends, that’s not where my story ends.
“Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, ‘How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!’ The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, “Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.’ The disciples were even more amazed and said to each other, ‘Who then can be saved?’ Jesus looked at them and said, ‘With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.’” (v. 23-27)
Jesus isn’t saying that following him is easy. In fact, he’s putting an exclamation point on the fact that it is really stinkin’ difficult! Seriously, have you ever tried to fit a camel through the eye of a needle?
“Peter said to him, ‘We have left everything to follow you!’ ‘I tell you the truth,’ Jesus replied, ‘no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much as this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields- and with them persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.'” (v. 28-31)
My heart resonates with Peter’s, Lord you’re asking me to leave everything. Like not just the whole running water, food I’m not afraid of, first world girl going into a third world situation. You’re asking me to say goodbye to a whole lot of people that I love.
His reply to me is the same as it was to Peter, Ashley I hear you! I know it’s going to be hard, it is literally impossible on your own but with Me, all things are possible. Guess what? No one has left their home and the people they love for my sake and the gospel with out receiving ONE HUNDRED TIMES as much as they’ve given up! But listen, if you want to be first in heaven, you’re going to have to be last on earth. You’re going to have to say goodbye but I’m telling you, it will be so worth it.
Even though it is going to be so hard, I am taking Jesus’ word for it. I believe that leaving my life behind to serve Jesus (and HELLO raising the funds to get there) will take a whole lot of blood, sweat, and tears, but I am promised that it will be worth it.
